I received a message asking me to attend a special graduation late Thursday night. I have the habit of switching off my phone to sleep because I really want to sit in my bed to read the bible before I go to bed. And to pray so I don't want any disturbance. I will normally check the last messages around 10 and then I will off the phone. And I saw this invitation. I told Vincent to check with my ex boss and then we will see.
Heong Yin was able to attend the same graduation and I picked her up to go for dinner. She has not been to the beach for a long time so when she saw the waters, she took off her sandals and went for it. I kept my birks on because I don't like to walk in the sand. But I love the sea. Watching the waves calm me all the time and I then to think too much at times.
I told Heong Yin that the food at East Coast is always the best. So I picked my two favourites. The fried oyster eggs and the wanton noodles. I don't quite the noodles but Heong Yin loved them both. I was glad she enjoyed her day. We meet up more often and communicated and encouraged each other more regularly when we don't work together. She was my ex boss and although there were times when we don't agree, we are still good friends. We cannot always agree or else we must be robots, yah?
The pastor at the ceremony shared on Psalm 15. "Lord who may abide in Your tabernacle? Who may dwell in Your holy Hill?" The pastor is a Malaysian. If I check myself against the list of conditions, I think I would have to fail all. You know to be able to do all that, it takes a saint.
I used to grow up in a church that constantly judged me on how I perform as a Christian. Did I pray and cry buckets of tears? Did I go to the cinema and so let the love of the world choke me? Did I wear jeans whenever I was not at church?
I grew up following a lot of rules of what not to do in order to be God's chosen child. I was super obedient. I never joked about a lot of things and actually never laughed for a whole year because a friend commented I was never serious.
By now you will know I am so stupid. Yes I am. Still am. But I don't follow many rules anymore. I resent people marking me all the time and setting me in a mould. The mould says I should be like this or else I am not good enough. I must be this or else I am not suitable for this. Well, I defy all that these days. I am who I am. All that no good.
I talk alot on this issue of not being good. Because to be good in my own flesh without the spirit of GOD, the good that is shown is not going to last. Today I am your dream teacher, your great daughter, your best friend but who knows if I pretend to be one...AHA! We are all actors on this life's stage. But only GOD knows the heart. We can deceive many. But we cannot deceive GOD.
Therefore I don't wish to deceive any. Not GOD. Not you. I live totally real and raw. Yes, the taste I will leave in your mouth about me will not be good. Then don't chew. But I do leave a good taste in many of the lives I have graced.
I always walked into the class reminding my students I am a human. Not a supernatural one. But human. In the words of my godson Melvin, I am serious and intense. And I stand by what I believe and will not stand by what I don't believe.
So the pastor said, the only way to live like the person mentioned in Psalms 15 is to acknowledge the LORD is LORD of ALL, LORD of our LIVES, LORD of our TIME, LORD of our PAST, PRESENT and FUTURE. He is LORD of our EVERY BEING.
Thankfully, this process of acknowledging Him is a life long process. There are days when calling Him LORD is easy. But there are many more days when calling Him LORD is difficult. And the best part of this is that HE knows we cannot give up a lot of stuff. He wants us to ask Him for strength to deny ourselves daily and to put not others first, but to put HIM FIRST.
That would mean the FIRST person to talk to is Jesus. The FIRST person to run to for trouble is Jesus. The FIRST person to rejoice with is Jesus. The FIRST person to cry our sorrows to is Jesus.
If we have the LORD in our lives, we will not hurt other people. We will care very much how the other person perceives us. We will listen and tune in to the Holy Spirit's working and stop. Stop to pray. Stop to cry. Stop to ask for forgiveness. Stop to encourage. Stop to give someone a hug. Stop to smile. Stop to buy coffee and sit down and spend time with the person. Stop to take a breath. Stop to rest in Him.
What would I do? I rush straight into things and tune GOD out. In such times, God tune me in through many incidences. But He never let me fight my own shadows alone. He was right by my side.
What makes my faith different from other faiths is this constant running to Jesus and running away from Him. My faith is built on a relationship with Jesus not on a promise from a suffering-free life or a guaranteed entrance through the pearly gates.
What does it mean then to have a relationship with anyone? It is about entering into a commitment of standing side by side with this person through thick and thin. And Jesus is the one who is committed to finishing this journey with me. The road will be rough because we are different. And there will be issues. But the issues that sprang along the journey adds flavour to the relationship.There will be issues that He wants us to surrender and I will complain. But He will show me why I need to overcome and How with His strength I can overcome. He wants FULL Surrender. And when I surrender different areas of my life to Him, I find peace and understanding. I thank God that in the process of calling Him LORD, He encourages me. He doesn't chide and accuse. Neither does He constantly show me what I cannot do. Instead He shows me that I can do all things because He strengthens me. Some days I forget.
I told Bonita a few times that in my state of depression, I cannot remember if anyone loves me. But I remember GOD is with me. Yes, strangely a depressed mind cannot remember the good and will not remember the good.
I walked into Simei care centre this week. I saw a few inmates sitting at the canteen. I was there to give Hwelett a few books on wellness. He told me before that there are many inmates there suffering from depression. And I met a few. They were sedated, dull and very, very sad. Some could only stare into space.
Hwelett told me before that my condition is good considering I could function and still work. I think so too. I left quickly because I couldn't find Hwelett and I sent the books through his friend I met at the lift. I went home thinking how fortunate for me that I have so many people praying for me. And for all of you out there, I am forever grateful.
Bonita told me that many people love me. I know...but I want to know if they can love me for who I am...all that imperfect. That to me is important. Because I am sick of rules to follow. I just want to be all that not good. All that not so typical of the me you want to see. Bonita saw all of me. The good, the bad and the ugly. And she is one person I will respect and love because she doesn't really care who I am and doesn't change me into what she wants me to become because at the end of my life's journey, I know who I am and in God's eyes, I will be perfect when I see Him face to face.
So LORD, come quickly. Thank you for showing us the signs of your coming. So LORD, I cling on to the promise that you will answer all my prayers. Help me wait for these answers. As I surrender to you all my burdens and my weaknesses, I pray you will work in me a great work for your glory.
I don't understand why these things have to happen. Why I must go through this valley that has so many shadows and darkness. But I thank you for walking with me and holding my hand so tightly. Thank you for not forsaking me and leaving me when I am most down. Thank you LORD for Bonita. Bless her bountifully. Bless her Father in Heaven.
Continue to guide me and protect me from negativity. That whosoever you send may encourage me. Hinder the work of the devil. Stop the devil from using people I care about to hurt me. In the name of Jesus I bind the devil from causing me to doubt and to fear. May your Holy Spirit fill me with wisdom and with your love at Calvary so that I may see and know the intents of those who care about me. That I may not be led to disbelief the good intentions of their hearts.
In the name that is above all names, the name that cast out fear and in the name of Jesus I pray.
Amen
