Tuesday, January 30, 2007

30th January 2007
Mum went for check up today. According to Rebecca she will be put on the second course of the treatment. The blood test showed she could continue and we thanked God for His mercy. She didn't eat well today but with Rebecca to take care of her, I am sure she will be well fed. Rebecca has already planned that she will give mum six to eight small meals of which there will be more nutritional liquids. Mum likes oats with horlicks and so we are doing our best to find out what she likes. Her appetite changes from time to time. Now she prefers bee hoon when previously it was nothing else but porridge. Cooking for mum is challengin but not impossible. I tried cooking bak kut teh the other afternoon. She ate a bowl and I think I put too much garlic. I don't think the vampire visited me that night. My dad is as faithful as ever. He visits her everyday at Rebecca and calls about four times a day to check if mum is okay. He also told me to buy the choicest foods for mum this new year. Well, I will buy and I will cook too. So pray the reunion dinner will not be terrible. Pray that the second course will not knock out as much energy and pray for mum's immunity. Pray that people who are sick will not visit her for her sake. Pray that people be considerate to give her time to rest and not come visit. I always got ticked off because I stopped people from visiting. I only want the best for my mum and if she is weak now, we need to exercise caution. Pray that people understand my intention and that mum will be patient.

I miss NIE. I love to sit and visit with my trainees at the canteen. I miss my office, my room where I could just do my own thinking and work. I miss my NIE colleagues very much. We had some of the most interesting conversations and discussions about work. All very professional and yet fun. We agree to disagree. There is so much room for giving and forgiving. Today a student came and asked if I could mentor him on a project about education. I was not only shocked but wondered what could possible sparked off this interest. He later explained he would like to work on why students just simply hate to learn chinese. I wonder why too.

What about my school teaching? I have a lot to work on. I am teaching social studies in secondary 4. I am using understanding by design and searches for enduring understanding in my lesson. I cannot do this every lesson because it is not only soul searching, it can be demanding. I enjoyed working on my worksheets. But I don't enjoy marking them. There is also a lot of other issues I need to work on. Pray for me. My friend told me that entering into the mission field is never easy. I need the strength and vision to carry on in this mission field. At this point I want to thank my siblings for taking the brunt of looking after mum. Because of them, I can walk into the classroom confidently and not worry about mum. I am thankful that at the end of each working day, I can go home to do some chores and feed only dad or chat with him. Sometimes I forgot he also needs me. I will try and have dinner with him or watch a movie with him. But recently I have been extremely tired and I doze off on the bus as soon as I sat down. On and off I got up to check if I miss the bus.

It has been a long while since I took a cab and the other day, after my grocery shopping on Sunday, I took a cab home. The cab driver was interesting. He told me that a bridegroom is supposed to groom his bride and if the bride is not looking good, he is too blame. I look at my dad's life. His whole life is about living for us, mum and us. When she became very ill, he was right there with us occasionally checking to see if we are okay. He can be a nag but when it comes to mum, he just know only to love her. So touching!

The end of the month is nigh and perhaps soon when February comes tomorrow, we will have another brand new start.

Please pray for us continuously. Cover us with the blood of Christ and with angels. My whole family is settled into a routine ready for cancer. Cancer taught me to be grateful for every breadth we take, treasure everyone you meet well and good and most of all, fight for your life. What about some of the things that spoke to you during the last week? Do you have anything to blog?




Sunday, January 28, 2007

28th January 2007
It has been a long time since I pen my thoughts. I will answer the first question that popped into your head "How is mum?"
The two weeks of chemotherapy went by rather quickly. The first day she was tired, the first week was tired. She stayed with Richard and Serina and they looked after her very well. The grand children, Ryan and Steffi would always go and check if mum needed any help. Stacia was happy to have mum around because when she comes home from her playgroup, there would be mum to keep an eye on her. I would pop by once or twice in a week to check on how things are. I believe because I was not around to hound her to take the medicine, she was more relaxed. I rented some cantonese Drama for her viewing pleasure. My cousin Yook Lin was over to help look after her. In Richard's home there were 4 adults to help mum. At home I would have to handle three. So at this ratio, I was not able to perform as well as I could.

Next week is Rebecca's turn at the second round of chemotherapy. Mum will go for the check up and to see if she can still carry on. There were no severe side effects. She has poor appetite but she continues to eat small meals. She would prefer kiam chye but I advised her not to do it so often. Please continue to pray for mum. Tallking to her makes me realize that she has plans make for the next year although she prempts that things may not turn out well. I am very proud of my mum. She thought me that there is hope and living each day for us is worth it.

The past year God taught me to live for people who care for me. He taught me through my mum and my godson that dying is not an option at all. And to be able to love someone is so important. My heart has gone cold for a long long time. The incidents that unfolded itself over the last 7 months unlocked some of the corners that were frozen. God continues to show me what I have to do. Most of the time, I don't want the heart to warm up because to invest in loving people is the most painful. I asked God many times why He chose to love people. When I felt my heart ached, I am sure God's too ached much more when He sent Jesus to die on the cross for all of us. I did also ask if God could remove the cup of suffering, my mum's and mine from us. But knowing full well, this is His will, and to fully surrender knowing He knows best, does give peace. The peace that surpass understanding! What is this peace? It is good. It stabilizes me to know He is in control. It allows me to move on from one day to the next. It strengthens me to know God is still on the throne.


Be Still and Know that I am GOD...this rang throughout the whole December. There were much turmoil to go back to school. I am still. And God is showing me who He is. I laid low and quiet. So quiet that even my boss complained. Quiet because I am not going to scold students anymore. Now I just whisper. The discipline master of the school told me that I don't just scold, I actually teach the students and explained why they should not do this or that. I was grateful for his compliments but they came two years too late. I have moved on and so I am quiet. So long as I walked into the class, my students listened, that is where I do all my teaching.

I have this priviledge of training my colleagues on how to use webquest. I was very much alive and happy when I was sharing. Reminds me of the good days in NIE. I do miss NIE very much. The best people I worked with and the best place to be. I have learned so much from this place. But whatever I have learned, I want to bring back to my school too becasue we need to progress as a school too.

Since my return, God has placed on my heart a desire to help feed the urban poor. I am saddened that there are many who are hungry in our city. These urban poor are not visible and they go hungry because they didn't have a good job to pay for food and in Singapore, only some temples and some churches actually put out a meal a week.
I met a sales assistant who told me she has 4 mouths to feed on her $700 salary and she only ate bread to bed most of the time. So pray for me. I don't know how I am going to do this but I need to do this. Like my colleague Hana said, she didn't notice these poor but I seem to be the only one who notices it.

Many students in Singapore has to do community work. Some have gone overseas to do it. I hope they have not forgotten the people who are poor here. Help ourselves then help others. What say you? If you wish to join me on this mission, let me know.

Have a great week.


Tuesday, January 09, 2007


9th January 2007

Today mum went with Richard to the National Cancer Centre. Dr Toh was just amazed how good mum's blood count and blood quality was. He was more amazed at how good the liver is actually functioning despite the last procedure to extend her bile duct. She also told him about the pain in the stomach. He has given her the medication to relax the muscle. Dr Toh actually wanted to push the treatment till after Chinese New Year but Richard wanted to do it earlier since she is good condition to do it. Richard told us that the drug is so toxic that it could not be handled by the human hand at all. So pray for us. Pray that Mum will not catch anything and may the first bout kill all the cancer cells along the bile duct and the two spots behind the stomach wall. The drug is supposed to numb her fingers and make her fingers very dry. So pray this is all there is to the side effects.


I was so relieved that mum can have the help she needs badly. I am rather helpless. I am thankful that my brother has taken this great responsibility of looking after her during this time. I simply cannot do it with my work, unless I resign to do so.


I had a good day at work today. I know mum prayed again and again. I returned from my last class and opened up my mail to find a mail from one of student very close to me. He wrote to update me about how he was cooking with the recipe I gave him when he left Singapore. He also told me that he was glad I went back to Hwa Chong because he thought I would be happy doing what I liked best...teach! I cried at my desk because I am so touched that not only did he read my blog faithfully but he was thinking about me all the time. Thank you Tianhan. I have been so busy that I didn't even get him anything for Christmas or New Year. I am terrible. I will send him more recipes so that he could cook better and tastier meals. I am also heartened to know that he is also learning to look after himself and learning to live with his housemates in Michigan.


Then I went to Orchard to buy the mega antioxidants that my mum may need. I left Hwa Chong with very light feet because I was relieved that mum will be looked after. I could sleep early tonight. I also felt a strong sense of fighting instinct rejuvenated within me to go on. It has not been there for the past month. I felt something different this afternoon. Extreme calm and very fiesty within me.


Upon coming home, I found a parcel on the dining table. Mum must have signed for it. I saw that it was posted from Zurich. It was from Danni. She stayed with me when she was asked to leave Singapore because she decided to pursue her education somewhere else. Mum knows her too. Both Danni and mum speak Hakka so when I went to teach in the morning, usually mum would cook and chat with Danni. I am so grateful that Danni calls sometimes from Zurich and enquire about mum. She also often asks me to shape up when I felt low and tired. She sent mum and I a bear. The mama bear is hugging the baby bear. This is a bear she specially got from this place called Lighthouse, a church and bears from this place bless the very ill. Thank you Danni. I will pass the bears to mum tomorrow.


I realized that it is not just my ex boys who asked about my mum, it is also those who are far from me that remembers me during this difficult time. I bummed into a few of my ex boys yesterday and the first thing they did was asked about my mother. Thank you gentlemen for caring. I am grateful that you think about me.


Many people think that because the boys are from Hwa Chong, their written and spoken mandarin is definitely better. No doubt. But when they write in English, they can write well. If not for the students, I don't think I will be able to last this long in the service.

Please pray for my boys. That they will one day come and know the God my mother has so much faith in. Pray that wherever these boys will be, they will be humble and kind to all those who are in their lives. Pray that they will put their family first and may God give them wisdom as they journey in the path set before them.

I always remember this story of an old principal who at his death bed regretted that he never use his opportunity to reach out to his students. He told my previous pastor that his hands were full of innocent blood.

Gentlemen take good care of yourself too. To those going for National Service or already in there, stay strong. To those who are studying, do your best and don't procrastinate anymore. Time and tide waits for no man or woman. My mother will tell you that everyday is important. Use it or you will waste it. Go and do your best.
The drug mum is on can be found on this website: http://www.xeloda.com/default.aspx.





Monday, January 08, 2007

8th January 2007
Mum just had a severe gastric pain. I have never seen it before. She was in such an excruciating pain that she crinched. It lasted for about thirty minutes and I finally thought about giving her a hot towel to put at her stomach area. The pain eased off immediately. Wonder if it is because she has not been eating well or because of the gamma radiation.

Tomorrow she will be going for all the tests necessary for her chemotherapy. Thereafter she will return to Richard's house for two weeks should she be able to go on chemotheraphy. Dr Teo called Richard to let us know that he will render any help if we need to. We are very grateful to him for keeping in touch with us.

Please pray that mum's gastric will settle and she can sleep well.

This morning I got up at 5am to get ready for school. Before I stepped out of the house I asked mum to pray for me. I told her about the situation and asked her to tell the Lord to protect me as I go back to work.

I had a good day at work. I was really able to focus on my work and prepared my teaching. When I came home, I thanked mum for uttering the prayer. She told me she merely said a few words. But straight away she prayed out loud for me. I am so touched by this gesture. Really the Lord will hear the cry of a mother for her child. More so when she has so much faith.


From now on, I will be like Daniel. I will pray. Daniel prayed when he was in the lion's den and after three days, he came out alive and well. So I trust Jesus. He is my shepherd. If I fix things with my own energies and understanding, then I will be too tired to do other things. So I will fix my eyes on Jesus as the lions lurk.

I am exhausted each day. God will give me the strength to go on.

Pray for mum, dad and Richard. They will be going to the National Cancer Centre tomorrow. I am grateful that I have two other siblings to help me look after mum. Mum also told me to remember there is Rebecca and Richard and they are all there to help and that I should not shoulder all alone.

She has to remind me to take breaks for myself knowing I can become very engrossed with my work.

Richard came over on Sunday with the whole family. Mum was glad. She is always tickled by Stacia's brashness.

The Joy of the Lord is my strength. The end of 2006 was very difficult for me. The start of the year is a little tough. But the joy of the Lord is my strength. I will dwell on that.






Saturday, January 06, 2007

6th January 2007
I am still standing after having been to school for three days. I am sure all of you are curious how I did in the school. Well, here goes.

Before I left NIE, I was advised to see the return to Hwa Chong as my mission. I searched my heart for the mission. It was not easy to find.

The night before the school reopened, I slept rather late because my room was still not ready for the new year. But I was determined to go to school by bus although dad offered to drive me. I wanted him to go on the road early so he will be able to earn enough for the day and bring mum over to Rebecca's.


The traffic jam was terrible so I got off one stop early and walked up the slope towards the assembly area. Some of the college boys saw me but were not too sure if I really returned. Soon it was time for the morning assembly. Some of the students saw me and waved, bowed and smiled. But I was really in shock.

I was greeted by some of my colleagues who welcomed the idea of my return. The whole morning I was busy trying to settle adminstration stuff and also my duties. I was glad I was not given any other consortium duties other than working on projects and research. But believe me as the day went on, I was given more duties. The administration was very kind to make sure I was not taxed and some people knew about my mother's illness.

The first day was uneventful. The second day was good. I met some of the students I will be teaching. On the first day, there was an assembly where the sec 4 Ortus boys welcomed me loudly. Later I found out that some of them were very glad I came back to Hwa Chong. But they also told me, some of them were not too happy the tyrant is back.

I have to teach another consortium and the boys in this consortium really didn't know me more than how I would scold them for making noise during the reading period. So the third day was exciting. I walked in to a class to teach about geography and I introduced myself and the demands of the course. I could sense the curiosity about what I was going to say. I also have good students who were keen to share about their opinions. They played by the rules I laid out and I found them thinking.

As I walked back from the tower block to the main office, one boy ran up from the back and shouted for me. I turned and saw Ru Jin. He is so tall now. I am also happy that he has become more matured and knows what he wants now and working towards it. Later in the night, I would meet another boy, Ernest. Both boys fought before and both were quite a handful when they were young. Both turned out so well. And Ernest asked about my mother. I am so touched that he read my blog and the ortus boys are talking about my mother and have her in their minds and heart. Later that afternoon, I saw some more boys all going for lunch at the canteen at the high school. Sam told me that if I needed any help that I should ask and the boys will come over. I am so very grateful. May be they can clean up my house again!

May be it is true that boys are boys and when they are young they are really naughty. But when they wake, watch how they will take flight.

So it was comforting for me that day. Comforting because I had a very difficult three days.

I felt as if I walked into a lion's den. I felt like Daniel. So pray for me. Pray for protection from unreasonable people. Pray that I will focus on what I have been asked to do and to do it well. Pray for all the students under my charge now. Pray that the Lord will give me wisdom to teach them and make their learning meaningful and engaging.

During my social studies classes, I asked why they have to study SS. Not a muscle moved. But I saw a lot of nodding heads when I explained the purpose of it. I used socractic questioning on Friday. So i educated them about citizenship education.

How is my mother? Well, she is eating but she is not eating very much. So my sister and I have come up with a method to get her to eat. We give her food every two hours. Food can be fruits and cookies or a hot drink.

Every night I have been preparing meals for my parents. Some days the food tastes good. Tonight, dad liked the soup I made. I liked the veggies I cooked So each day after school, I have to rush to the nearest NTUC to buy food to cook. I am so tired these days.

So pray I will have energy for the day. When it is time to rest, pray my sleep is good.

All of you take care now. Tuesday, Mum is going for the tests for the chemo. Richard's friend Simon told us there is a drug that is quite good. We will check that out. Pray for wisdom to know what to do best.

Mum's church deaconess came. They sang and praise God and read the scriptures. Mum also have the flu bug. Theodora has a mild case of HFM disease and I had to clean all the toys and all the cutlery and cups. But it was a lovely day.

Pray with my family
May the Lord bless you.