Eight days after ...

I was in school the next day after the burial. It was tough not because I miss my mum, I was super tired. I was glad my boys didn't push too much and were all too glad to slack for the day. When I went home, Dad came home only to cry and sob about his day. Then Dad insisted that we must go to the grave on Friday. He came home on Thursday and cried about how he missed mum. To dad, my mum's supposed return on Friday would mean she will not be on earth anymore to visit and return to visit him in his dreams and he cried bitterly. I sighed the longest sigh. Much as I wanted to cry too I had to put the bravest front for him.

He also insisted that we stayed all together in the house on Friday night. Tried hard to convince him that mum won't be back because heaven is just too good to come back to earth for. His theory was that even the Queen of England kept a room untouched for her late uncle who would visit the room occasionally. The spirit was caught on tape, according to some documentary he watched.

Friday night and all of us were in the house. Dad slept in my room and the rest were in mum's room. The children were chatting and listening to stories. Rebecca was packing mum's room. I was tired and laid in bed.

The next morning as I was cleaning my room out, I found mum's sweater and I breathed in the deepest breath and found mum's scent. I wept. But I quickly composed myself as there was much cleaning to do.

I went out to meet some friends for dinner and then on to a movie but dad was not too happy. He felt I should mourn more. So I told him that not crying in front of him does not mean I am not sad. Not crying all day long does not mean I am not missing my mum. I just believe that she would be very happy if I get on with what I love to do most and that is work and have some fun on the side. We did not talk very well that night and I left the house feeling very angry and sad that all he thinks about is his own sadness. I can understand he has lost his wife and partner. But I lost my mum and best friend too. So I just wish he could be a little less selfish and cut me some slack and let me go deal with my grief.

I came home very late on Saturday and then went to church that morning. I realized a few things about grief. Some of us just display it like the piercing light in the dark. Some will hide it like the darkest secret of their lives. Some will just deal with it by substituting it with other problems. Some never really deal with it because the tide just roll over their heads and before they knew it, the grief hits them again when all quiet down.

When I came home after worship, my sister was clearing mum's cupboard. I was not too please and so I picked a few I remember mum always wear and went to my room to cry. But like always, I will compose myself and then think about what is the best thing to do.

Sending my mum to her resting place

Dear Friends,
Mum is buried today at 1030, this morning. We had three nights of services for mum. Many friends came to send their condolences and we are all very grateful to the support and prayers we have been receiving. Right now we are all tired.

Dad hardly ate the past three days. He misses mum very much. There is nothing we do that will be right for him right now because he is grieving and everything we do will be compared to Mum's standard. So I will have to bear with this for a few weeks.

We all did our best to make it memorable for dad and for each other.


Mum was brought home in a casket for burial on Sunday morning at 11am. We all cried when we saw her body, still but rested and peaceful. Dad cried uncontrollably and so did my little Theodora. Later, we ordered flowers for mum and by evening all four came. Subsequently over the other two days, more flowers came from relatives, friends and work.

The first afternoon, Joshua, Yifong, Shaun and Melvin came to visit. Then my colleague Mrs Seck came. In the afternoon around 5pm, Pastor Andrew and Deaconess Deborah came and told me that I had to share tomorrow night. Each night we have different messages.

Richard shared on Sunday night. He was brief and to the point. The second night, I shared. I couldn't find what to say because the whole of Monday, I hardly have time to think about what to say.

I must thank my ex boys for the sharing I had on Monday night. I asked that they helped me design a wallet card for all those who attended my mum's burial. At the same time, I requested that they do up a powerpoint presentation about my mum to be shown during Monday night. That was before I was told I had to share about my mum.

The whole of Monday morning, I was very busy with people visiting with us. Then I went up to check my mail and to talk to Yifong about the presentation. He showed me and then I played it. I found that the presentation was fitted with appropriate verses about my mother I didn't ask them to use. I found out later that Joshua provided the verses and he took it from Proverbs 31.

The night service was about to begin. My friend Siew Lian came. Soon I was asked to speak. I was told not to cry as I shared in Mandarin. I stood up and still thinking how I should put my thoughts together. I began to read Proverbs 31 in Mandarin and then began sharing about how my mother came to know the Lord and how unless she made a commitment to follow Jesus, she stuck to it through thick and thin. There was never a complaint about the pain. All her qigong friends that came were saddened by her passing.

We prayed for fine weather today so we could bury mum. The Lord is good. There was a light drizzle but nothing too heavy. After the burial we served lunch to all those who came. Then I went to see a chinese physician because I sprained my right knee and left ankle while I moved mum around. The physician did relieve some of the pain but the pain is still there.

This afternoon when I returned, I found my dad up and about. He is tired but he just won't sleep until late afternoon. His moods are better after the nap. Please pray for him that he will be strong and that the Lord will protect him when he drives on the road. There are many things we need to adjust to. Pray that these adjustments will not cause too much worry.

The Lord is good and He is with us all the way.

Mum just went home to be with the Lord at 2255

Dear Friends
Mum has gone home to be with the Lord. The wake will be at my house at Kembangan. If you are coming, mum loves flowers. So come and view this brave lady.

Last night we kept vigil round the clock. Richard shared with mum about letting go and that it would just be a twinkling of an eye and we will see her again. We told her to just take that one little step to step into eternity. After that, the kids all came to the room, we sang choruses and hymns and praise the Lord as mum laid there. We knew she could hear us therefore we knew she would be singing along with us at the same time. Rebecca, Alvi and Yooklin stayed in the room with me as we kept vigil. I slept next to mum for a while and keeping my eyes opened in case she needs more morphine. Then I went to my room to sleep at four in the morning. When I woke up, we were all ready for breakfast. Rebecca was already up moisturizing mum and trying to give her water. I busied myself in the kitchen and cooked dinner or lunch. When it was about slightly after lunch, I was called in to speak to my mum. We each gave her our promise to be unite and take care of each other. We read her scriptures and once again we shared about entering into eternal rest. I read Psalms 116 to mum in Cantonese. She was much calmer after we reassure her that we will take care of things. My dad also told her to please not worry. While we were encouraging her, Pastor Andrew came and he said he felt led to visit us this afternoon. Actually he wanted to come the night before but because of small group gathering he was not able to make it. Somehow I knew she will pass on tonight or this morning.

I went about my business, cleaning the house, moisturizing her and just sat and looked at her. Then about 9pm, I went to meet some friends. Rebecca was going to sponge and change her as was leaving. I took a last look at her and in my heart told her I am going to visit with some friends and should she want to slip away without me, it is okay. I will see her very soon. At about 1050 I received the call. My dad read the bible to her and then my cousin read the hymns to her. Just when she went to the toilet, mum stepped into eternity. When I reached home, I knelt and sobbed. Rebecca told me not to cry because if I did, mum would not go in peace. I swallowed all my tears and they asked me to pray. I don't know what else to pray for except to thank God for a great mum. I thank God that because of her, I am who I am. She has allowed me to be myself and loved me with all her heart despite my weaknesses. Most of all she believed that everyday brings new hope and fighting for each day is worth it.

She has finished the race and with excellent colours. I believe right now she is in her new body and thronged by her aunts before her and becoming the boss of the island she dreamt about. My mum was a lady who planned before she went on any trips. She would pack one week in advance just for Ipoh. Since two days ago, we picked out her dress for the burial, the jewellery she had to wear and how good we want the funeral to be. My sister and I had to open up her closet to find the best dress. She found a peach colour cheong sam that she bought so she could wear on her wedding anniversary. She will look good.

The hospice doctor came very quickly in less than an hour to take care of things and to certify her dead. Then the undertaker came too. He remarked that my mum was a very pretty woman. We tried our best to make her pretty in her comatose state. We moisturized her face and massage it. and We are going to bury her. It was only this morning that Richard spoke to the undertaker and then tonight we all met him.

If you are coming for the wake, we are at Kembangan. Call me if you need directions. Mum loved flowers. We are going to bury her on Wednesday morning at the Chua Chu Kang Cemetery. Pray for us as we make arrangements for the next few days.

Pray for the pastors who will be speaking that God will descend on each of us and visit with us to bring about salvation. May all of mum's friends who come and say their good byes not to take things too hard because if they too believe in Jesus, they too will go heaven one day.

Her body has been sent to be embalmed and due to return at 11 tomorrow morning. Pray that my dad will let go fully and live for God. He prayed tonight. He told God to take care of his wife and let her be at peace. He is very heart broken. And he has high blood pressure and a heart condition. So pray for him and pray for me too. Pray that the children will not be affected.

Theodora cried non stop after mum passed on. Tiffany too. Mum's favourite grandchild is certainly one special little girl. Theodora has been really good. She slept with us last night and kept vigil. She wanted to sleep right beside mum each night but we persuaded her to come to my room instead. Theodora is only 4 and she understood what it means to have mum gone home to be with the Lord. Pray she will recover from this event and grow from it. May God bless my nieces and nephews as they go through this with all of us.




Thank you and may the Lord bless you.

Will blog later.

Mum in great pain

This is the photo mum has been asking for. I did quite a few but the resolution is not as ideal because it was from a small photo. If you have any idea to help me make it more centralize and better resolution, please let me know. Everybody who met my mum personally will tell you that she is really beautiful. Even the nurses who tended to her told us so. This is her favourite photo because it was taken in Calgary when I graduated with my MA. I was standing right beside her. How did I get off the picture? Well, magic of Adobe photoshop. She has told me that in this photo she looked radiant, grand and I totally agree.
Because mum couldn't talk, we didn't know if she was in pain. We hope she is not. Then last night, thank God for giving Rebecca the wisdom, she was crinching and it was then we felt her pain. All of us weep with her as she struggled with the excruciating pain. We added morphine and still she was in pain. I went to bed. I injured my hamstring while trying to help mum up. Rebecca and Richard have been watching over mum the last four nights. I couldn't, just too exhausted. But I did go to school on Wednesday and today I am at home. I have also been using the MSN to teach from home.

We have given mum up to 20mg of morphine every hour just to stop her pain and she seems to be resting better. Right now she is sleeping.

My dad cried bitterly when he saw her crinch last night. He told her how painful it was to watch her in this state. When he came to my room, he told me he wanted to bear the pain for her. I told him to tell her and give her permission not to fight anymore. He said he did.

Please pray for us. We need wisdom to know how to help mum feel comfortable and not be in pain. We need energy. All of us are tired. We need rest. Not just physically but also emotionally and spiritually. Pray we will not get on each other's nerves as we are all feeling tired. We need the love of God and his precious blood to cover us as we live from day to day.

In all these, we know it is God at work and to let God take over but really difficult to do it when you see your loved one in pain.

This morning I hugged mum as she struggled with the pain. I don't know how to tell her that I understand her pain except to hug her and let her lean on my shoulder as I cried. She let out a sigh and I told her to sigh because it is okay to sigh. If she could speak, she would be screaming. But she has no voice. Pray for mum. Pray for God's mercy to descend on all of us.

This is the song I would like to send mum off with:

走过伤心 走过泪水

让每一颗心 再次飞起来

用你地心 伸出你手

让每个灵魂 在次活过来

让爱走动 让你的爱化成希望种子

随风扬起 编织美丽的梦

让爱走动 让你的爱化成温暖的拥抱

绽放阳光 编织神所造美丽的梦

Mum in her final hours

Sunday, mum was extremely quiet and immobile. She groaned a little and I gave her the pain killer for the fever and the pain. Or is there pain? Anyway we set her up to get her to breathe better at the sofa seat. She was sleepy and kept sleeping. When her friends came to visit, she was able to respond a little. She also ate a whole bottle of birds' nest. Then she called for me. She asked me if I bought her the stuff. I knew she was asking about the photograph I blew up for her. I am going to remake it. I told her, everything is in order. The best part was in all her tiredness, she stomach enough energy to call my name and asked me about the stuff. I went to sleep later because of exhaustion. When I woke up, it was seven and I fed her half a bowl of porridge. She ate. Dad fed her another half a bowl at seven. She ate. At around nine, I gave her some jello, she ate. Then this morning, she was immobile again. Stiff and not passing water or motion. Then I called the hospice doctor and gave her the first dosage of morphine. Because she is not in pain, the dosage was so little to relief her breathlessness. She didn't sleep really well. I had to rush to Changi hospital to buy her the panadol suppositories. When I returned she was asleep and breathing better.

The hospice doctor told me that she has hours, may be a couple more days and that is it. Her organs are shutting down and even her bowels are not moving much. Her lungs are quite blocked and weak. So we are all in the house now, waiting for the Lord to bring her home.

Her church deaconess came and prayed with her to ask her to let the Lord take control and have his way in her life. One of the many things my mother wanted for us to do is to be united so that no one will say we are always fighting. This is quite a big issue to her. She told me once that if she has to die to bring us together, she will be more than willing.

Do you believe in family history? Well, I checked through all the family line in my family and come to one conclusion. We are really a very unforgiving group of people. Many of mum's siblings died of cancers. Unforgiveness can increase toxins level in the body and create cancer cells that will only kill us. Perhaps this is why the Lord asks us to let our anger go before the sun sets. I am going to work on this because I really dislike some of the relatives I have. They not only budge in and tell you what to do when they are in your house, they also managed to upset your dying mother. I am glad I somehow caused my mum to leave because when my mum asked my brother to put a bullet to her head, it was really unlike her. I have no regrets no having these relatives if it means returning sanity to my dad and my mum.

So I forgive them for what they did or didn't know they did, because I don't want cancer.

Continue to pray for us because we need prayers to stay focus on helping mum through her final hours. Pray that relatives will not chip in and interfere with our family. My relatives, are really from Neptune!

What a week!

It has been a very stressful week with shifting mum home because she complained she was not comfortable at Woodlands. We moved mum in two hours and then the following days was nothing but built up of stress and more stress with contentions. I am so grateful this afternoon, my friend Victor had late tea with me. I needed a break. This is a great friend who bought a car so he can help people. He chose to help drive me around if I needed it. He has driven me home from the hospital once, all the way from Sgh to Kembangan and back to Bukit Panjang where he stays with his wife and lovely son, Jedd. I also have students asking if they can help me relieve some of the stress. I am very very grateful that God sends help when I needed it most. I really need a good shoulder to lean on this week. I got it.

Mum's health is not improving. But each day is another day of working with her towards another better day. My aunt left. My cousin decided to ask her to return to Ipoh. Dad said there is peace now. Even Yook Lin said the house was cooler and quieter. I felt the same thing. The contentions we had over the past days just went away. Peace prevails!

My poor dad. He cried bitterly when he saw how my mum suffered. He was in my room and sobbed himself to sleep. He said he wished he was the one who is in such discomfort. He was lamenting how hard a life my mum had and she should have a better life and a better way to retire to. But I told him that mum's life is good too. She is surrounded by people who love and care about her and she traveled widely too. But it was dad who has to work very hard to make sure she got the comfort and fun. And he told me: " I wanted her to enjoy herself because when she was first married to me, I could not give her anything. I always tell my friends that the person I love most is my wife and the person who loves me most is my wife."

On Tuesday, my mother instructed that all three of us must care for dad. I was especially instructed that if I was to marry, I have to look after dad. I promised mum because although we have our differences, I still love my father. We communicate differently but he knows I love him and he knows he can trust me. Somehow we never really talked about such things until mum became ill.

I want to thank God for my dad. Last night he tried to sing mum her favourite songs. We started to sing to mum last night. Dad was singing the notes and then sang the weirdest tune. I laughed so hard. Then Yook Lin and I sang mum's favourites.

After which mum had severe stomach ache. I called the hospice doctor. He came in twenty minutes. He gave mum a jab and also advised that we should not give her some medication that could cause her constipation. The built up of gas was just too much. Then she rested until this morning at 4:45. She had fever, was breathless and extremely stiff. I quickly gave her the panadol and then sponge her. The fever came down at around 5: 45. I did not give her any pain killer because she was not in pain. But I gave her gastric pills and anti gas pills. By six fifteen, i started feeding her special juices to feed her and at seven I gave her some birds' nest. By the time I finished and jumped into the shower it was 0745. After getting dressed, I left for school, obviously late. Managed to be in school by 0845.

All the nights since mum was back, dad was in the room with the maid. Waking up now and then to get mum to the potty, checking on the temperature. And he is exhausted. He is 70 and has a heart condition. I really wish I could help him but I need to bring home the bread and butter. Rebecca has been so good to us. She comes in the afternoon and cooks so dad gets a good meal to eat. The past few days, she came early too and Theodora comes with her skipping school. Theodora will come and hug mum and holds her hand. She is only 4. And when mum hears her voice, she smiles. Then later in the afternoon, close to evening, Thomas sometimes bring Timothy and Tiffany over for dinner. Sometimes, Rebecca will bring all three. Mind you, she has a father in law who is sick with a stroke too and she still comes over despite her busy schedule. She tells me that she sleeps at two every day and then gets up at 0800. I want to pray that God will bless Rebecca and Thomas to live a long and rich life because they have mercy on me and helped me all the time.

I also want to thank Thomas because he said that he did not mind having mum at his house if we could look after her. He comes every night to drive Rebecca back so that the kids can get ready for school tomorrow. I want to thank God for him for allowing Rebecca to come back everyday. Tonight she is with me. I feel like I can sleep well tonight. I have not been well and my health is not good to. So pray for me and dad. Especially for dad because even in the morning when I am at work, he had to care for mum, carry her to the potty, checking up on her. He is a great lover.

In this crisis, I have been accused of having done little and that all I did was to put on an act. I just know one truth I stand before God and with a clear conscience about what I do. God is my witness. Tonight is a great testimony of this conscience. Together with Rebecca, Yook Lin and dad, we sang to mum. Even my maid is humming the tune. One particular song got both of us crying as we watched mum's thin body frame. We know one thing, the hymns and choruses we played and sang, eased mum's anxiety and she calmed down and slept. Praise the Lord.

I want to share mum's favourite choruses:

生灵阿求你来 我软弱你明白
我无言你叹息 亲自为我代求
你监察我的心 使我走在属神旨意
你医治我的灵 使我生命再次绚丽
阿我心不住赞美
阿我灵不住称谢
一宿虽有哭泣 早晨必欢呼
主的恩典乃是一生

Please continue to bind the devil. Pray that the blood of Jesus will cover my mother's room and cover her. That tonight she can have a good night's sleep.

Briefly the song says that my soul praise and thank God continuously. After a night full of tears, the morning is to rise with praise because God's grace is sufficient for me all the days of my life. Such is how I see God. It is difficult for us right now, but we know, and we have gathered strength from God and we sense His great love. Now I leave it up to God.

Very Hard to Praise God!

Mum is now resting at her own home in Kembangan. She asked Dad to bring her home from Richard's on Friday night. She doesn't want to be there after just one night stay. But we persuaded her to stay for the weekend because we needed to shift the special bed. She relented. But she still checked with Rebecca to see if Dad would be coming around with a cab. Rebecca and I stayed till about ten to relief Richard and his family so that they could spend time with their friends and bible study.

The next morning, after my meeting with Yifong, I rushed to Woodlands to see her. Rebecca opened the door and then told me that mum wants to go home. She added that mum told dad she thinks she is cannot make it if he doesn't bring her home soon. I decided there and then to make the move. I went home first to move the bed and shifted some stuff and by three thirty or so, mum was home. The hospice doctor came and relieved her of her constipation and she was better. Later in the evening dad sneaked some oncogen XP180. She took it about six months earlier and she detested it. But it was supposedly good for her type of cancer. Dad wanted to try and we are not going to stop him. So he gave it to her telling her that the doctor prescribed it. She took two sips and complained immediately that he lied and she named XP180. She was still so alert. She was comfortable and then she slept.

Sunday morning was good. She sat up, we wheeled her to the toilet to wash up and clean up. Then she had breakfast. I cooked porridge and she had half a bowl. In between I sneaked in some bird's nest and XP 180. She ate well. When Rebecca came in the afternoon, we both bathed her and she was all clean. I knew mum wanted a bath badly and we (Rebecca and I) granted her wish. We even wheeled her to her favourite spot outside in the living room for her to sit up and lay down just the way she wanted it. Friends came to visit and she was sitting up with her own strength. One special friend Uncle Biu flew all the way from Hong Kong just to be with us. She is really special this way. She was fine until evening when she was burning up. I gave her a panadol, and she slept. The fever went off.

This morning, things went bad. She talked about dying and about what we should do. My aunt from Ipoh returned this morning to visit. We told her to come. Am I prepared for the worst? All of us are. But just that when the moment is coming, there is a certain deep sadness. Sad because we know we are going to miss her. Sad because we are watching her growing thinner and she is really not herself anymore.

Yesterday as I was feeding her, she told me that she was to be fed slowly because she was like a baby. I laughed. Then she told my dad some other stuff that got me even sadder. But nonetheless I have to take care of things. The worst scenario was that Rebecca's kids are down with fever and so was Ryan. Everyone falling sick around her.

This morning she had some bird's nest, some noodles (may be a couple of spoonfuls) and that was it. She talked about dying. I am praying that God be merciful. That God will appear and bring her home to glory where she can rest. I don't wish to see her suffer anymore than she already is. Dad cried today and is very upset today. Pray for us.

We need our aunts not to interfere with our preparation. Pray that they will understand and that the Lord's presence over rule all that is happening. Pray for us as we grieve as a family. Although she is not dying yet, I know God has spoken.

The journey has not ended. And the toughest part of the journey is now. Pray that the Lord will keep us close to Him and only Jesus can comfort and satisfy right now.