My ex boss, Miss Koe has always said the my rapport with my students are good. I make an effort to keep in touch with my students. I have since searched out my RGS girls and the list is piling.
The lunch with my two young men was more than pleasant. Lok Fung was teasing while Sin Hwee tried to catch his breath. I realized that both of my boys are really truly of the school they were trained in. When I told them of some of my decisions they told me to go for it. I am very happy I was able to sound out my dreams with them and they gave sound advice. This is the way a young man should go. The way of clear directions and purpose. They have such fond memories of school and of the friendships that bond them. This is why I like to teach. It is not the mundane day to day preparation and tons of marking. It is to be able to sit down, not about the students coming back to visit me in the school that makes me feel good about teaching. It is this sitting down and chatting up and dreaming that so comfort me and give me a reason why I should teach. It is this friendship between my students and I and the understanding of the old times that make me stand before the class.
A few nights ago, I told a friend that I don't feel anything standing infront of a class anymore. I lost sight about why I am in the classroom and I had to summon a lot of enthusiasm to walk in. I have lost it for more than 3 years now. The moment I went back to school and with the death of my mother, there is really not much left. I kept busy. I kept pushing out worksheets and teaching materials but I don't feel very much.
I am very thankful to my HP boys. They kept me sane throughout my last 2 years of my teaching career. The most impressive my HP class did for me was to get together to share a meal and have fun. They organized their own get together and I am happy to go if I have the time. They will be sitting for their national exams soon. All the more we will get together to edge each other on.
I am beginning to see as God allows me to see, how many students I have out there. And there are many. From as young as the late 30s to younger at about 16. They are all out there.
The most scary thing anyone can have is to have people forget you totally. Nada! Not even a trace of memory. And that is not because of Alzheimer's Disease. That was a wilful attempt to erase anything about the person. That is scary. I am not afraid to be forgotten. I just hope I am remembered for the right reasons!
God showed me the lives that walked into my life. God used them to change my thinking and used them to show me His love. In the words of my godson Melvin "There are people who genuinely care about you!"
I know there is work to be done. I know what I have to do. I hope for the rest of my life I will continue to glorify His name.
The depression may not be entirely gone. It will come again. And I hope as I continue to build a hedge of protection around me, I will fight this better. I wish that one day I can share what I am going through with all of those who suffer the same fate as me. No one is spared. Whether you are mentally strong or weak, physically strong or weak, depression hits. It is the degree that hits you. Each time the encounter is stronger than the last. Each time I cling more to God.
Over the years, as a child, I have fought depression alone with God. From as far as I know, nothing positive ever come into my life. And I take a lot of negativity. And God has to repeated remind me He is right beside me when I have doubts and fears.
I will probably walk like someone who just removed the crutches after a fall, a very bad fall. I will take each step slowly and carefully, holding on to the hand God has extended. It is not that I don't want help. I believe that the help I am most familiar with is always my Jesus.
My friends who have been worried and praying, continue to pray but stop worrying. I will transit between sanity and insanity but I will come back. Give me sometime to think and see what God can do. I don't wish to promise anything. But I will fight.
To date, there are people who will be moved by the Spirit of God to send me messages of encouragement. So know this, I am surrounded and protected. And I get one every time when I hit rock bottom. Last week, I had 4. This week I already had 1.
What I am about to do is going to be really tough for me. And I know the devil doesn't want me to even try. So this time, the depression is not so simple. As long as I am in the will of God, He will give me the strength to carry on.
And I went for Art again today. I met the two girls. I totally enjoyed their company. And my work is different today. I didn't quite know what colours to choose. Perhaps I am beginning to walk out of the gloom and the colours that are brighter are confusing the darkness within. And I was very intense on the purple tonight as well as the reds. To the right side of the painting was all the leftovers of the night. I was enjoying the kind of texture it created together with the ensemble of the leftover colours. I will begin exploring another pattern next session.
