Depression may not be seen as a disease. But it is. It is a kind of mental state that is constantly intoxicated with negative thoughts that will render a person tired, distress and totally disoriented about life. The general state of mind cannot deal with realities as a "NORMAL" person can. Depression allows the person to assume a "normal" existence until it is too late to turn back the clock and tragedy strikes.
I have, since young, suffered from depression. My mind would race and would send me running the other way and closer to the negativity around me. It was easier said than done to get out of the dark hole. Perhaps it is genetic and I sure hope it is something I can take a drug and then it will go away. But I know it is deeper than that. It requires a change inside out. Thus I never, ever wanted to get involved with too much lest I crash. Throughout my life, I crashed several times and each time God sent help. For one, I met Bonita. Then I have my friends in Singapore. Most of all I thank God for my sister. She told me she has been praying for me for the past months. When I told her I am suffering from depression, she refused to accept. But since the last bout of depression, both dad and her are keeping a really watchful eye over me. And their tone is much softer now because when the tone goes up, so are my frustrations.
It is interesting how people interpret my near death experience. I can honestly say that the moment I found my brakes were all gone, I knew I would hit the car infront of me. And I felt peace. I felt that I would be safe and sound. My past didn't flash infront of me. Nothing. I felt the "BUMP" and it was hard. And I felt God holding me. I was not shaken and did not tremble.
Is God angry with me? My God is not judging me. It is very easy to say this one is judgmental, that one is a bigot. But you know it really takes one to know one. But God judges ALL. He will search the heart and know our intent in the heart whether it is for Him or for ourselves. Instead of judging me for all that I was not, He sees all that I can be in Him. So I surrender.
For the past 20 years, I have been running from something I could not explain. I didn't want to work with or deal with it until the recent years. I told God it was difficult and I was afraid to work on it. So I hide from Him. Jonah was swallowed by a big fish when God asked him to go Nineveh to preach to the lost. God showed Jonah that He could give him the power to do the job. When Jonah obeyed, lost souls were won to God.
No fish chewed me up. Instead it was the car. I will never forget when God challenged me at church that morning. "Am I too small for your eyes?" I told God it is not that He is too small but that I am too weak for the job. He spoke to me on Sunday from the morning to the evening. And I know God is GOD. Just like I told Theodora. He is very precise and in His time He makes all things beautiful when we fully surrender.
I was exhausted from yesterday and that is partly due to the depression that is still inside. But I have become smarter. I have openly asked for prayers from my friends around me. And I am building a hedge of protection around me with these specific prayer warriors as I embark on the task. These people are specially selected because of they are strong in their closet prayers.
This morning I received a message from Lily who was praying for me on Saturday. She gave me two verses and these two verses encouraged me very much. It confirms what I believe. She shared Isaiah 46:4 and John 14:21. Then I opened up a message from a link I subscribed and it was from the book of Joel. It talks about how God will give me back my years and bless me bountifully.
When I surrender to God everything, every one in my life and obeyed, I see His hands in whatever I do. I don't rush. I just obey. Yesterday I received a phone call. I know the call will be coming and it did. It is either this or that. But I will wait for God's leading and confirmation. Then I shall share. I told God to send me back to what He wants me to do. And I am willing to be an instrument for His kingdom. Then the doors open. I am pleasantly surprised.
Although I am not fully out of the woods, although there is still talk of death and thoughts of it, I am able to say I see more light in the tunnel. And I know Jesus is holding my hand, walking with me even unto death.
Dear Heavenly Father
Thank you for Thy great love for me. For without you, God, I would have perished. Thank you for holding back the full impact and push me away from the wheel or I would have been hit hard. Thank you for provision because the insurance is something I can pay within the range of my income. Thank you so much Lord for the protection all these years. You knew before hand that this would happen. You allow this to happen so you can tell me that I can draw strength from you. Thank you for letting me experience your wonder grace, love and power that day. And thank you for bringing my dad to come around to help me.
I know nothing happens by chance. No one can die without your permission and wanting me to live there must be a purpose. But if I am done your purpose, can I go home? Still I know that doing your will is not about going home faster. It is because you love the people you want me to go serve. Then Lord protect me from their attacks. Protect me from their difficult attitudes. Protect me from the hurts that will be hurled at me. Shelter me from the insults. Shelter me from the anger to come.
Sometimes I wonder if you have chosen the right person for the job. Really Lord. But you have shown me it is not about whether I can do the job but whether I allow you to use me as an instrument. So Lord, take me. Use me. And continue to refine me till you come for me.
I ask that the blood of Jesus cover me constantly lest Satan has a hold on me. I ask that you send angels to surround me and Lord, walk before me.
Amen.
