But I know amidst all these...God is holding my hand...
I was really exhausted on Monday and went to bed as early as 8pm. I didn't hear anything ring until I woke from my sleep at 1am. I saw a missed call from Miss Ng. Early Tuesday morning I phoned her and would meet her for lunch. Tuesday was terrible as I had a shock when I was dumped 3 periods without prior warning or discussion. I told the school this was just too much to take.
So Miss Ng's phone call was timely. After a class that afternoon, I was about to walk out when one of the students, a girl walked up to me and asked me if I seriously want to leave. She looked really sullen and sad. But I told her I will be. She continued and told me that I motivated so many students and it would be terrible to see me go. But I told her I have enough. She related that last year she lost hope of everything. I didn't know what everything meant so I asked to clarify. She said, everything includes, school, home, work and her own life. At that I was stunned. I was getting busy then and told her I will like very much to finish the conversation and I will.
I bought my dinner at Bedok and drove all the way to Miss Ng's. And I was worried as I drove into the visitor's lot. There is only parallel parking. But as I drove closer, I found a parallel lot that is not blocked and I could drive away easy. Thank God. I have to learn how to parallel park soon.
Miss Ng was so happy I didn't take her to a fancy restaurant and just bought what was simple. Fish soup, bitter gourd, broccoli and rice. I spent no more than 10 dollars for both of us. We enjoyed the meal very much. We sat down and started chatting after the meal and she got me to go on the machine that helps circulate my blood. Not only that she had set aside a cup of alkali water for me. She always asked me why I was so nice to her. I told her because she was always so nice to me and my family. I always remember how she would come and speak to me to get me back to church when I left it for more than a year. No one could persuade to go back except for Miss Ng. That was when I was a teenager. Today as an adult, she could not persuade me to return to the same church. I am different and she has learned to accept this difference and hopefully she enjoys that. But we still share the same common faith, the same uncompromised commitment to God.
Her purpose of getting me to meet her was to talk to me about what I am going to do. She has been praying about my talk of leaving the teaching profession.
I told her that where I now am, I should be happy with all that I have tried to do. I tried to show my students there are other reasons to exist in the world, reasons to come to school. I want to show them that there are teachers out there who genuinely want to teach and share their experiences. And there are many who will not take any nonsense when it comes to values and principles and we are not evil at all. Yes, I have some successes. But getting up in the morning to work is becoming harder. It has become easier to leave the school earlier and find reasons not to stay.
To be honest, I don't understand why I feel this way. I believe no matter where I go, I won't be able to fully stay in the service. I just know I am not happy and I need to leave before everything I do turn wrong.
Miss Ng is worried about how I will look after myself. I told her I have enough to survive and anyway I have lunch and dinner boxes. She told me that she saw my face glow when I started talking about what happened to my students and how many lives I have touched. I told her I am not happy. I supposed I should be glad that lives are touched. But deep down, I don't have that joy. I know what I did was no simple feat and it was not me. It was GOD. Always GOD. I should be convinced that this is the profession to stay put at. But since young, I knew I have the gift of teaching but TEACHING is not what I am supposed to do. It is a tool to another mission, perhaps. When I think this way, my heart has hope.
Since young I have always been burdened by China. Not Indonesia but China. Somehow my heart turns towards China. As a result, I fit in to China like a glove to the palm when I was in Beijing. I like everything about China. The food, amazingly is not something I particularly like. I like the food at home. Home cooking is best!
Before I left, she shared about how God worked in her life. She shared Job23:10 with me. "He knows the path that I take. When He tried me, I shall come forth as GOLD." And that shall be it. I shall wait. Finish what God wants me to do and wait for Him to send. But it will be soon...ahhaha. Waiting huh!
Translation: God is in control. I will not fear. When one door closes, He will open another way. I will not be disillusioned and I will not weakened. I will continue to praise Him. I will not lose hope. I know God is in control. He will open a stream in the desert. I will praise Him in the desert, and sing His praise in the wilderness.
