I could not sleep very well last night. I started to get anxious and become very intense again. I was wondering if my sugars were high again. Last night, I didn't go for a walk and the soup dad made was a little sweet. Too many carrots? May be. I also had a little more dragon fruit with yoghurt.
The whole business with Diabetes is the control of carbohydrates hidden in rice, pasta and fruit sugars. I have since learned from Bonita that there is a need to look at glycemic load. Hmmm that is new to me. Some fruits like strawberries (I can eat a lot of them) and watermelon may be high in sugar but doesn't load the pancreas and so I can eat them more. I also learn that eating whole wheat bread may not be as good for me as eating white bread. Total education and I am still grasping it.
Throughout the past two weeks, I am so thankful for Qikun who helped me with planning my meals. He worked on 5 days and of the three days after consultation with Bonita he also added in the GL and so I know how many I can have a day. I can only have less than 20 per meal. But at Bonita's suggestion, I may have to eat much less. Am I hungry? Yes I can be at times but most of the time, I just don't feel that bad. I am only worried when people ask me to eat out.
So yesterday I returned home after only one cup of coffee, my sugars were at 6.6. Still good but not the best. I am trying to bring it down to below 6. That would brigthen my day.
I had to meet this friend of my youth. She is married to a doctor and has 4 teenagers in the house. We chatted because we have not spoken or got a chance to meet for the last 20 over years. Time does fly but the friendship remains. She is Miss Ng's niece and since I first contacted Miss Ng, she has been wanting to meet me personally. I don't like to meet everyone of my youths because there were so many unpleasantness that shaped who I am today.
So I asked a very pertinent question. A question that Evelyn asked me about my Pastor, her uncle. Is her uncle aware he has done so much hurt out there? She said, he doesn't. Some days Pastor doesn't even think he is old and he went about like he is young.
Then I ask her another question. How did she survive all these years in that church we both grew up in? She said she was fortunate to stay in the chinese section of the church and so she was a lot better. But I told her that whatever happened and after the talk with Evelyn brought a lot of unpleasant memories back.
I remembered now the church used to do something about confession. Evelyn reminded me. She mentioned that we have to confess to another person how the person hurt us. Yes, I remember how people would come to me and would tell me that my laughter stumble them or that my way of asking question during the sunday school lesson cause them to be angry. And it was all my fault. During those unhappy times, and the most important part of my youth, nothing seemed right or good. I kept silent but stewed the anger and I remember leaving the church for a few months until Miss Ng came to get me to go back. I returned and the went there till my young adulthood.
During those years as an adult, I had a friend who just simply manipulated every one around her. I was one of the victim although I enjoyed the friendship. But I started to wake up when my colleagues started commenting that I could do better and why must I be under this person's shadow all the time. It shocked me that I could be better. What is better for me? I searched and searched for an identity with her and I got it. I left to study and left all these unpleasantness behind thinking they will never ever come back again.
But they all came back. Because of how I have to deal with all these lies and people, I built a wall around me. Very thick. Bonita had a hard time removing brick by brick. And these still affect me today about how I look at myself. I asked if the friend I met felt the same way. She said YES!
But it was so good that all these have to come back again. I want to get rid of this once and for all so that I may rise from it and teach all those who were with me to rise from it.
I thank GOD He is all merciful and full of grace and truth. He judges the right and the wrong but He shows mercy. This I don't have. Mercy is not my gift. Because not much mercy was shown to me when I was growing up. But while I was in Calgary God showed me Love. To be loved by Him and to allow people to love me.
I got into the business of living without God since my return from Canada. A lot of what I do I do becasue I just want to get by. I am surprised I did so well and I know also that this success is blessed by God. Although I tell myself that I am doing it for GOD, I know I am doing it half heartedly. But for Project Pipit, I did it for God and it was God who brought all these together. Without Him, the project will not take flight and my team will not be so united. And it is from Project Pipit that I began to see a need to really get down right serious with God. But I slacked. I allow myself to be swept by the routine and the mundane.
Going to Beijing was a break for me and I will always like Beijing for the people I met and the good shopping. Cannot forget that. But Beijing is also a place where I saw God at work without me. Many times we think God is waiting for us to do His wonders. Sorry, wrong number. God will take care of His business. If you want Him to use you and be blessed by Him, you go. Not God waiting for some kind of worker. He will do it without you too. So I am humbled. It is not whether I want to go and serve God. It is do I want to be blessed by God.
I learn over the whole month to humble myself and surrender totally. Surrendering my past and as He sends people my way to deal with my past, I also learned to let go and forgive myself and the people who wronged me. God showed me how merciful He is and I am thankful He continues to show me mercy as He work on my life.
I will work harder today for my blood sugars and hopefully I will calm down after my medication and my walk.
Pricking the fingers are painful. I am bruised.
