God is good all the time! Have you ever wonder if you matter? I do that all the time. Perhaps I am so lost in the business of doing and not knowing what I am doing that I find myself totally lost in the world of Busyness.
But God is good. He brought people to gently remind me of what I am worth.
I had the opportunity to meet an ex trainee teacher I taught at NIE in 2006. I was asked to speak to her by a really wonderful ex trainee Haliah. Haliah met me almost three days after my return from Taipei and I was not in the best shape and mind to talk to anyone. But she found me online and insisted that I should go lunch with her. I did and it was then that I heard about this student I met yesterday.
Ruifang. What does she look like? So Haliah told her to call me so I could meet her. We met first while Haliah was running late. I heard Ruifang's story and her troubles and listened to her. But in counselling her about her teaching and about what she should do in school, I realized I was talking to myself but it feels really good to scold myself publicly and it was good to tell people how terrible a person I actually am. We were sitting at Starbucks at Wheelock. Before long Haliah came and we chatted for about 2 and a half hours.
Then I left Haliah and Ruifang to go for a walk with Peck San. This is a wonderful ex-student I taught some 20 years ago. She is now a head of department in English in a Secondary School. Possibly earning more than me. We walked for 5km and chatted about work and about church and about our dreams. She was my class monitress and she helped me with the class when we had a difficult situation in class one day. I brought her to church and left her there and went to study. I didnt' want to influence her to become a Christian because I wanted her to know Jesus for herself. But I always prayed for her.
After I left to study, we lost touch. It was more than 10 years later that we finally met on our way to Phnom Penh. I heard her voice and thought I saw her silouhette. So I prayed that God would let me meet her. I did. I went row by row on the plane and eventually found her. We caught up in Phnom Penh and after this we have always kept in touch.
So she spent the evening with me to cheer me up but walking right beside her was kind of good because she was my ex pupil and we could still be friends. When I was much younger, we both look alike. Many of her friends thought we were related.
This morning I had another pleasant surprise. I met another of my ex pupil. She was my pupil from a neighbourhood school.We both stopped and smiled at each other when our eyes met. She tried to recall my name but I could not remember her name at all. Terrible of me. Then she called my name. We chatted briefly and when I told her how young I am, she was shocked. She said I still looked the same. I hope it is a compliment because if you see me now, you will only look at the pock marks on my face. They are so bad that friends who bummed into me wondered if I had chicken pox. My diabetes is so bad that the wounds are not healing really well.
When I asked Xue Nee why she remembered me? What did she remember me for? She told me I was good. I feel really good to know that.
For the past two weeks, I felt really lousy. So lousy that my friend who reads my blog regulary actually emailed me to ask me what is happening. I will walk out of this. I will. But right now I need time to go through all these so that I will walk out of it totally.
I have friends to help me along the way. Friends who pray and friends who took time off to listen to my story. Bonita keeps close contact so that I will not be easily discouraged.
The fears I experienced can incapacitate me and can cause me to shut down. Just like what you do to a computer. I totally shut people out and it doesn't matter who you are or what you mean to me. I don't want this to ever happen again because enough is enough.
Enough is enough seems to be my theme for the year. May be it is menopause that is speaking out loud. Do you know that women don't just menopause close to a certain age, they start at about 35. So...don't think I am of that age. I was shocked when I found out about that and so boys out there who think their mothers never grow old at 35 are wrong. The process starts there at 35.
Enough is enough because many things are done enough times to me that I feel it is time to leave all these weights behind. I want to run free. Peck San wants to leave her high paying job to go to Cambodia or Vietnam and teach English. Wow! I told her I will join her during the holidays and I will support her vision and mission for God. I will provide whatever support she needs. I find that I am a good supporter. I will do this job that God is slowly revealing to me well. I realized many of my friends label me as a good networker. I do network a lot. I grab people before they leave so that I can give the connections to my boys. I need to network for the sake of my pupils.
There will come a time when I too will give all up and go do what God has laid upon my heart. Right now I have to get well within my soul. It is easy to do this soul searching. I can cut it short and then tell myself everything is fine and I can go back into the same routine I am familiar with. But not this time. I am not going to pretend I am fine. Because I am not fine.
But God does force me to go out there and meet different kinds of people. He sends them my way whether online or when I am out to run errands. I find Him especially kind to me having lived all my life for myself only.
God doesn't want me to forget why I am here on earth. My friend Shin Miin wants me to stay around for many more years. Some told me I have not finished my job. But I do know this and is becoming clearer now, I have to live because God loves me and He knows what is best for me.
Even picking up a movie about a PIG, God is speaking about living and the decision to live. I watched this interesting Japanese movie. And listened to the questions the little children asked regarding the fate of the pig that they reared at their school's field. One question that is asked was this "Who has the right to decide whether the pig should be slaughtered or live?" Wow. I was confronted! So it is God who decides. I always think God has a list of things for each of us to do and when I am done the list, I can go home.
But He decides.
Enough said. I will go on my way today to find more of those things that I need to work on. More affirmations of my self worth is appreciated. The Lord is good all the time.
