I had a great Saturday. I was slow in getting up. Dad took me out to breakfast and I spent the whole morning working on some stuff with regard to teaching. Then I met Qikun online. I also saw Xinyi online. I decided to try and see if she wants to come out for lunch. She made some arrangements and then we met at three at Tampines. We found a quiet place to have tea and then we chatted.
I enjoyed the chat thoroughly because she asked me some very tough questions. One of them is "What is the love of God?" Wow, I couldn't answer. I thought for a long while but I couldn't answer. I managed a very simple one...it is unconditional. But I didnt' answer the question did I? What is God's love to me? It is not just dying on the cross for my sin, is it? Is it a hug from God? Is it knowing He is near no matter how disgusting I am? What is the love of God for me?
I will find that out. But throughout this week, I saw nothing but the love of God around me. I cannot use words to describe but I feel it in my heart. Love demonstrated by my friends who came to listen and pray with me and love from my own family like dinning at the table bring so much joy. But I cannot articulate the language of Love of God for me. Because I think at this moment, I need to be loved very much.
Bonita is trying to get me to work on a bible study with her. I couldn't find the book. Well, I will try again. But I am more tempted to just pray and do nothing.
Last night, I had an interesting chat with Qikun. He is studying in New York and is now home in Liaoning to visit his grandparents. When I knocked on his MSN window, he was so happy to see me online. He told me he missed me. We chatted a little and then I went to meet Xinyi. At about almost 930 last night, I chatted with him again. Wow, he was very smart!
He asked some tough questions about God and I ended up sharing with him why I became a Christian and why I believe in Jesus. Eventually the night was very late, almost 1130pm and we were both hungry and decided to go grab a bite. He drinks his milk, I ate my noodles.
I was asked twice the same day why I believe in Jesus. Who is this Jesus to me? Are you ready to listen?
My entire family came to know the Lord because of my cousin. Although we took many years before we each came to know Jesus, but we must thank him. My cousin was a quiet man who played the flute when he came from Ipoh to look for a job. He stayed with us in our one room flat. He arrived when I was seven. All I remember about him was he loved to draw and was quiet. He never really smiled but my mum always told us he was the best of all the nephews and nieces she had. Somehow all 6 of us squeezed in that tiny one room flat where the king size bed occupied like 3/4 of the room. My cousin slept on the kitchen floor and there was a door he could lock. But that would mean we could not go to the toilet because the toilet and the kitchen was together. We three kids slept under the bed that dad raised about 2 feet higher so we had space to sleep. Incidentally, much of my childhood was playing under the bed because it was dark and when mum caned us, we would all run under the bed for perfect cover. Until she whipped out the spray. The bed was virtually untouched. No one slept there, no one can sit there. And don't ask me why.
We were all happy and my childhood was filled with memories of my cousin and his friend drawing pictures for my chinese homework so I could get stars. Occasionally my cousin and his friend would give me a coin if I scored 100 marks for my chinese spelling tests. I always did well because of the coins.
The good times did not last. My cousin was involved in a very serious crime. He was involved in the kidnap of a goldsmith and his entire gang was caught. He told the family that he did not kill the victim and so we engaged a lawyer. My family was very poor. We don't even have enough to eat, not to mention get a good lawyer. So we lost the case. The leader of the gang became the defence and although he was the mastermind and he killed the guy, my cousin lost the case. He was sentenced to be hung and was imprisoned first.The master mind is still free today. Is this fair? Nope. But it is good for my family.
During his imprisonment, he sent his pastor to visit my home every sunday. This white haired chubby and happy old man came whether rain or shine to tell mum how he was doing. I would listen. I didn't like those unhappy times. I remember my mum would give me lunch and there would be food when I got home and the food was cold. Each mouthful was sadness because I knew my mum would come back crying. And we would all be sad.
But then the day came when my cousin was hung. I remember my mum telling all of us to pray for his soul that Jesus will take him home quickly and without pain. My mum worked for a catholic boss and so she told us to pray the catholic way. But whatever the way, I was curious who this Jesus was. I knew in my history class in primary 3 there was this Jesus who loves little children. Is that the Jesus. So I prayed my own little prayer that I wanted to know Him. I didn't like the other gods too much because I was often punished to kneel before them with my ears pulled.
He went back home to God when I was nine. Shall not tell you how long ago that was. hahaha.
It was about another 3 years before I finally went to church. Although my mother let us pray the Jesus way, she was also a buddhist. Later that year, we became ill and she got fed up with the gods too. She threw all of the gods in the house, kitchen, door and the altar gods, out into the dustbin. And she said there was no gods. How could there be?
It took my mum a long time before she finally became a Christian. It took her another 30 years and got us praying for her salvation for more than 30 years.
There was one thing mum wanted us to do. She allowed us to go to church to improve our English. So God found me one day. Some one came and knocked on my door when I was in P5 and invited me to the first church I ever went to. I stayed there for a long time until I went overseas to study. My sister and brother came with me and before long they found another church.
So why did I believe this Jesus? Because He loves me. Loves me for being me and not because I am any good. I feel He knows me best and knows my weaknesses and is always there when I am the weakest. The only other persons who can love us this much will be our parents. Such is my Jesus.
Have I ever doubted He is real? Come on, what does a 11 year old know about God? Not much. Yes there were doubts. Doubts if He ever answers prayers, doubts if He will ever make me happier than I am now. Doubts if I will ever be able to live up to His standards and then enter heaven. My teenage years were tumultuous.
But then, what doesn't an 11 year old know? I know for a fact that He loves me and He rose again for me. And I have nothing to lose if I believe. I hang on to this love everyday so that I know that although I am not doing my best, it is okay.
Today, I can tell you, I never ever doubted God exist. I know He is with my mum. I know He is right with me. He is everywhere in my life. I cannot but know He exist.
I never understand why He continues to love me but I know He does. I don't know why He wants to use me but He does. I don't know why I must let people come and help me, but He does.
So God, thank you for who thou art and what thou have done. Thank you for friends who choose to stay with me and show me the way back to you again. Please bless them richly. I know I have not asked, so now I ask. Now I want to claim the love you have for me so that I can love again. But Lord I must warn you first, I am very empty. And there may be much you have to fill. So fill me with the Love and embrace me into your loving arms. I also want to claim another thing. I want to come before you to claim power over my insecurities. Please work with me to make me strong. Help me to trust you in the most broken places of my life. I need you more than anything in this world.
God I also want you to bless all my students. Bless them with the mind to know what is right and wrong. Bless them with wisdom so they can tell the difference. Give them spine to stand up for the truth and not sit on the fences. Keep them safe wherever they may be.
Now for my friends Lord. They have been wonderful. Keep them safe. I know that they are worried for me. But Lord tell them you are taking care of business for me and with me. Wrap your arms around them too and let them know you are right beside me.
I know Lord you will do it. Thank you so much for being God. And thank you for reigning.
Amen
