This morning, I got up early to go buy flowers because we were visiting the grave site. Thank God for my cousin who helped around the house, the chores were basically more or less finished. I ever got to boil soup for tonight's dinner. I went to the market with my cousin and after our breakfast, we dashed to the flowershop. Now I know why we need flower shops in the market. Previously I thought only buddhists will buy them, now I know why. Eighty cents a stalk and there were many little flowers. Mum loved flowers so we bought her plenty. We went home and did our chores. Dad picked us up and went for lunch. After that we headed for the grave site.
Dad was talking as if mum was still alive, in full body. We told him she is with God. So he chided that I didn't understand how he felt because I just lost a mother. But he reminded me he lost a spouse, a soul mate. I could only keep really quiet and let him finish.
I was the first to go to the grave site when dad stopped the taxi he was driving. It was a very hard walk. I was in full control until my dad came and shouted out loud that we will be celebrating mum's birthday for the last time this year. After this we will be celebrating the death anniversary. I walked away from the grave just when Richard and Serina came. I went to swallow my tears. My sister came when I walked to the road, she came with windmills for the grave. I stood from afar to see my family standing around the grave. I let out my cry and then walked back in.
It is surely good to visit mum's grave site. It reminds me of my mortality. If we cannot live forever, why don't we spend a little bit more time to think about the kind of legacy we want to leave behind?
My mum is fondly remembered. My sister just told me a while ago, "We have a great mother. "
If we are so mortal then do we want to mind the smallest thing? One of the things I dislike most in the world is politics...be it in the world, in the classroom, staffroom or church. It is just so dividing. If only we know we are different and be able to embrace this difference, be less insistent about our ways and find a ground to better communicate our thoughts and views, will all nature of politics die away. Just disappear. I am not very good with politics and so I stay far away and even so...I am involved some how. No matter how low you lie, the serpent politics will still breathe and tread on all grounds to make sure you cannot escape.
That is why I like to work at NIE. My NIE colleagues...they are super! There were different opinions and I remember a time when the entire idea was scraped because of one other person's view. The change came because it made sense. It didn't matter how hard we worked through the months but we all pitched in and within weeks, we put the new idea together and it went perfectly. That is the kind of environment I love to work in. It is not about me...it is about US. It is about listening intently to the needs of our trainees. We forgo our ego and our so called brilliance to pursue what is BEST for our teachers. I miss that kind of working spirit very much. I miss the ability to know I can be wrong and I can improve to make a difference. I miss the joy of being listened to instead of being judged. I miss the fact that I have a different answer and I am able to share it.
The other day, my ex boys asked me if we think about what we want to do or the sin that we want to do but not do it, is it sin? I told them, Sin is Sin. To hate someone in the heart is murder in the eyes of God. We don't have to physically kill the person, it is enough just to hate the person. And that is already a SIN. Nobody knows about what evil designs we have for the other person. But God knows and He can see our heart and He knows our thoughts. So does the devil, he too knows what we design in our hearts. That is why the bible tells us that the heart is desperately wicked above all things. So don't just guard the heart because you don't want to get a heart attack. Guard it so that you don't allow bitterness to creep in.
We don't know when we start to become bitter. But I am so thankful that God listens to me when I am not too happy about things. I also could unload on some friends and they in turn will pray for me. So if you don't believe in a God, believe in your friends. Find someone to unload and don't keep it to yourself. It is not good. Trust me. I have been there and done that and sometimes still doing that. But God is merciful.
We are mortals. We have this much to live. So how do we want others to remember us?
My mum's job is done. She has raised three kids each trying to fulfil their own dreams. Now my dad is to finish up his work. Only he knows what he must do. As for me, I am to go step by step. Each day, is a challenge. It is not about staying above water, or avoiding people. Rather, it is about what else I must learn, what more I can do and how else can I do better.
May God bless your week.
I missed last sunday secret from the church. Tomorrow must go earlier to hear another one. Then off to buy a roast duck and then to an IB conference, back home to boil soups and cook the feast... I am tired already.
Tomorrow will be an extremely busy day for me
