My niece Tiffany just told me that she has stopped blogging because she didn't know what to write. The other night, I sat at my table wondering what to write. I wonder because I don't know who is reading and why should people be reading it and how much of who I am should be revealed.It makes me more vulnerable. Do I want to be this vulnerable?
There is much talk about teachers writing blogs. I also know that one of the students in my school was interviewd by a Chinese newspaper reporter and he told the reporter about my blog. Strangely I never taught this boy and so I didn't expect him to read it. I hope this student is encouraged by my blog.
Each evening, my dad continues to cry. As he cooks for me and my cousin, he would suddenly stop and cry. So finally I had to tell him he has to stop. I agree he has to grieve but not like this. I reason with him that there are the living that he has to look after and enjoy. I asked him to cast his eyes further to see his grandchildren if he doesn't want to look at his children. He then started lamenting how he should have done this, the doctors should have done that. I had to tell him. Mum could never live beyond three months if not for the interventions we had tried. So I told him to be thankful. I also told him I am powerless with regard to his thinking. He has to work through the issues. He has to forgive himself. He tells me often that he cannot forget the tough life mum went through. He told of how she had little to eat when she was first married to him. But that was a long time ago. He has provided for her and she has been the virtuous woman in Proverbs 31. She had a good life and now even better when she is with the Lord. One of the many things mum wanted to do is to bring dad closer to the Lord. She has done this. The other evening I saw dad reading the bible. The next day, he told me when he felt alone, he read the Bible. He has been going to church and will be getting into a cell group. She is surely happy. So pray for my dad. Pray that the Lord will assure him that mum is in a better place. Pray that my dad will grow to know the Lord more.
I want so much to write to my dad. Tell him I cry too. Tell him I do what I have to do even though my heart grieves because there is the living I must think about. My world cannot stand still because there are still the children, our children, my job and my dreams. I am sure mum will be upset if I stop everything and do nothing with my life. My mum never ever want to bother us. Even when she was very ill and could not defecate, I had to sit and held on to her if she wanted to defecate. When she finally did, I had to be taking all in and she would apologise that she had to let me take in all these. I hugged her and cried but she never saw the tears because I swallowed them all. So I am very sure mum would want dad to live fully until he is ready to meet the Lord. Because she will never want us to feel she troubled us.
My world cannot stand still. Now I understand why the elders always encourage those to mourn to think of the living. There are still so many reasons to live for. So when the dean confirms I will be going to Beijing, I welcome the change. My colleague told me when the students heard I was going to teach them in Beijing, they all complained and were not too please because I would be teaching them Social Studies. Well, I am going whether they like it or not. But there is more to life then teaching them. Going to Beijing is revisiting a place I spent with mum in the Air Force Hospital there. I will go back and visit the doctors and also some of the nurses who took care of mum and who are now our friends. So Beijing is going to be very painful for me. It will also be a time when my dad will be alone. It will be a time for my sister and brother to be spend more time with dad. I have to take a short leave to regain my perspective in life so I can move on. It will not be easy for my family too but Bonita always tell me that I am not indispensable and I don't have to do everything. I understand now.
For the last 14 months, I have been entirely focus on prolonging life and bringing quality into my family. I am tired. This afternoon, one of my colleagues sat across from me at the table and asked how my mum was doing! I told her my mum has gone home to be with God. She thought I was joking. Another colleague told her " You didn't know because she didn't show it right?" This is what I think Bonita is most afraid of hearing. I keep my pain to myself rather well. Sometimes I wonder if I am too rational. I just know this. I hang on to this hope of seeing Mum one day. I wait for the day of rejoicing when I see the Lord and mum at heaven's gate.
Before mum became gravely ill, I brought her to Hong Kong in 2005. It was a lovely August. On hind sight, I realized she was already showing signs she was not well. Just never thought it could be so fast. She would walk and complained of tiredness and then we would have to rush back to the hotel so she could sleep for a while. But the visit was good for her because she met some relatives and dad's buddy. We had a great time. I remember buying back a roasted goose from Hong Kong to feed Rebecca's family. It cost us $65. Yup...
Although I miss mum, my life goes on. I still have my students to think about. Yes, my students play a great part in helping me through this period. The Hwa Chong spirit. I have my ex boys who still make sure I eat well, make sure I am not too lonely that my head will be filled up with ideas of death. They also try to get me to laugh a little with them. I am grateful. Then there are those existing ones who occupy me. I think without my boys, I don't think I can pull through that well. I give up easily. Although everybody tells me I am strong. I thank the Lord for the strength to carry on. Of course I have my friends who stand by me and checking if I still breathe. One such good friend is Shin Miin. We have been friends like forever. She called last week to see if I was alright. So grateful. Then there is Leng Leng. Both Shin Miin and Leng Leng were the friends I went with to study. We stayed in a small one bed room apartment for six months together. We made some precious memories together. I love them both. They are like sisters to me. We may not see each other all the time but our hearts are never far apart. Whenever we can meet, it will always be as if we never really left each other. I thank God for this friendship.
I hope to go for a break soon. Pray for me. May the Lord bless me on this trip. Pray for approval of leave too.
When God says I am in the Palm of His hand, I really am in the palm of His hand. I feel safe. I feel peace in the heart. May you find the peace and security of both body and soul this week.
So what did you gather from me when you read this entry?
