The week is almost over and ready to start. I think weekends are just too short! For my students, they wish Monday will not arrive because some have 6 tests a week.
Mum fell ill today. She had fever in the morning and the situation was tense. I was ready for school but decided after that I should stay and looked after her. She didn't look well at all and I was ready to get her to the hospital. She threw up at 4am even though she had hardly anything to eat. I must have passed her the gastric flu bug. She promised me that she would go to Rebecca's and I told her if she didn't, I would come straight back from work to look after her. She went to Rebecca's for the day. When I finished off work at 4 to go see her, I found her resting on the couch. I sat for a while and by seven, her fever was up again. I gave her the fever medicine and we watched.
Thomas came home and drove us to East Coast Laguna Park for dinner. Mum and I walked ahead first, looking for a clean table. We waited quite a while until Thomas found one. Rebecca and I bought all sorts of food. I bought a bowl of porridge and mum had a small bowl. After dinner, mum and I strolled along the beach, sat down and enjoyed the stillness and the bustling going on behind us. Later the children came, and we listened to their laughter as they played catching.
Then Thomas drove us home. Mum and I got off the car and immediately upon entry, mum went to get the watering can. She took it and watered her flowers. I watched her as she did it because she just has such a good way. Her fever has subsided and I am monitoring her.
I fell asleep while waiting for dad to come home from his shift. He worked and drove his cab throughout the day from 5am to 11pm.This is his way of getting away from the stress at home.
My shoulder is very tight this weekend. I need to rest.
Pray for my mum. Pray she will not have fever and she will fight on.
Friday, April 20, 2007
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
A dangerous world but a Powerful GOD
Fever and stomach flu brought me once again to the doctor's office. He shook his head because this is the second time I went to his office within two days. Saturday and Monday. Just threw up the contents of Sunday lunch and then the fever shot up. But GOD is good. I took the day off to rest. Check on some stuff and then went to meet a very wise friend.
Siew Lian and I go way back to NIE days at Bukit Timah Campus. The first time I met her after NIE was two years ago on my first day at NIE, NTU campus. It seemed time never really flew by and although we never saw each other, our memories are still fresh like yesterday. Except she has chopped off her pony tail in favour of short cropped hair and me, keeping my hair long. We switched hair styles!
Siew Lian has always etched this image of steadfastness and strength even when we were in NIE way back. Yesterday, I needed her advice on some stuff and she was just the right person. It feels so good to talk to an adult! A sensible, down to earth, god fearing woman. She directed me to some solutions and I will act on it right away.
She shared about the sheep from the book the shepherd looks at Psalm 23. She talked about the sheep and how the sheep can find rest! To find rest and sleep well, the sheep must be fed. So I need to delve into the word of GOD more. She told me that if there are pests on the sheep, especially on the nose...the sheep will try to get the pests out by cleaning against the trunks of bushes and trees and sometimes when the pests get too annoying, the sheep will bang its head against the tree trunks and get killed as a result. Negative thoughts, like pests, kills our faith in GOD. So she encourages me to think positive thoughts. To dwell on them because this is what GOD wants to. Bonita is praying and has been praying for me on this.
I need to go back to the Holy of Holies and meet GOD there. I cannot help anyone unless I help myself and I cannot touch lives if I don't allow GOD to touch me. So pray with me and for me that GOD will once again touch my life. That GOD will heal my broken parts completely so that I will stand before Him complete to serve Him.
I fear for our children, our students. This is a wicked world. Satan certainly knows his time will be up soon and he is working double hard to make sure he confuses us by whispering lies into our ears. Everything is hunky dory? Really? There is peace? Sin is okay? We just rationalise away our conscience, that is what it is. Sealing our conscience and switching channels to tune out God and tune in Satan. That is what it is! And I switched channels. Now I am switching back. We need to as Christians stand up for GOD. If God is all powerful then our lives MUST show it.
Look at the shooting at Virginia Tech University. How terrible! My heart also goes out to the families of those who died and for what? We still don't know. It is the worst shooting in US history. http://www.nytimes.com/slideshow/2007/04/16/us/20070416_VIRGINIA_SLIDESHOW_1.html
But one thing is sure. GOD has assured us with strength and hope. My heart goes out to the families in Virginia Tech. But we need to stand up. GOD will shine again because GOD will heal and comfort. Already many churches are praying. So may we also pray for peace and anger and hatred to end. May God come quickly.
Siew Lian and I go way back to NIE days at Bukit Timah Campus. The first time I met her after NIE was two years ago on my first day at NIE, NTU campus. It seemed time never really flew by and although we never saw each other, our memories are still fresh like yesterday. Except she has chopped off her pony tail in favour of short cropped hair and me, keeping my hair long. We switched hair styles!
Siew Lian has always etched this image of steadfastness and strength even when we were in NIE way back. Yesterday, I needed her advice on some stuff and she was just the right person. It feels so good to talk to an adult! A sensible, down to earth, god fearing woman. She directed me to some solutions and I will act on it right away.
She shared about the sheep from the book the shepherd looks at Psalm 23. She talked about the sheep and how the sheep can find rest! To find rest and sleep well, the sheep must be fed. So I need to delve into the word of GOD more. She told me that if there are pests on the sheep, especially on the nose...the sheep will try to get the pests out by cleaning against the trunks of bushes and trees and sometimes when the pests get too annoying, the sheep will bang its head against the tree trunks and get killed as a result. Negative thoughts, like pests, kills our faith in GOD. So she encourages me to think positive thoughts. To dwell on them because this is what GOD wants to. Bonita is praying and has been praying for me on this.
I need to go back to the Holy of Holies and meet GOD there. I cannot help anyone unless I help myself and I cannot touch lives if I don't allow GOD to touch me. So pray with me and for me that GOD will once again touch my life. That GOD will heal my broken parts completely so that I will stand before Him complete to serve Him.
I fear for our children, our students. This is a wicked world. Satan certainly knows his time will be up soon and he is working double hard to make sure he confuses us by whispering lies into our ears. Everything is hunky dory? Really? There is peace? Sin is okay? We just rationalise away our conscience, that is what it is. Sealing our conscience and switching channels to tune out God and tune in Satan. That is what it is! And I switched channels. Now I am switching back. We need to as Christians stand up for GOD. If God is all powerful then our lives MUST show it.
Look at the shooting at Virginia Tech University. How terrible! My heart also goes out to the families of those who died and for what? We still don't know. It is the worst shooting in US history. http://www.nytimes.com/slideshow/2007/04/16/us/20070416_VIRGINIA_SLIDESHOW_1.html
But one thing is sure. GOD has assured us with strength and hope. My heart goes out to the families in Virginia Tech. But we need to stand up. GOD will shine again because GOD will heal and comfort. Already many churches are praying. So may we also pray for peace and anger and hatred to end. May God come quickly.
Sunday, April 15, 2007
In My Life Lord Be Glorified
This blog entry is heavy going. Mostly about me but still praising God.
I am tired. I didn't get home till 2:30 this morning. I couldn't sleep the whole night. Tossing and turning and thinking. I called Bonita before I went to bed but she was not home. She was away and i left a message telling her I would call in six hours time and I did, first thing in the morning.
I have not spoken to her for the longest time. Before mum became ill, I would call her on and off to see how she was doing and if she was still the cheerio self she always is. But since mum became ill, I have not spoken to her. She is like my sister and mentor and someone I would return each time when I hit myself really hard. I was afraid to call her because I was afraid I would burst into tears if I even hear her voice. I probably would sob!
So finally I picked up the phone and dialled the same familiar numbers of my hiding place in Calgary. Three rings and as usual she is on the phone. She couldn't believe her ears and was so thrilled to hear me. I was composed, didn't cry yet and then we talked. The first thing on my mind was about what happened the night before. It was a night to be remembered because I witnessed the power of the Holy Spirit in what went on. The calmness of it all not only surprised the usual me but it was remarkable what God revealed to me. Anyway I spoke to Bonita and shared with her and she adviced me on some issues I need to work on.
Then she prayed for me. She told me that I have been under severe stress and that the stress is so great that I don't even know I am having it. I broke down and I cried my heart out as she prayed for me. But I can call her now because she has been worried if I would survive.
Last night I almost did something I do so well. Walking out! And Bonita knows it very well. She knows I can walk away from things most precious to me and not even show I care. She knows because I gave up our friendship a few times. But it was Bonita who told me to stay in there and fight for our friendship. You see unlike my mother, I never wanted to fight for things. I have faced intense competitions right from primary school. This one sees me as a competitor in their studies, that one sees me as a competitor at work. But to me, all these competitions bring unnecessary stress and I just wanted to have fun and live. Bonita taught me there are things I must fight for. One of them is to fight to stay in any relationships. Why did I want to walk out on this relationship? Well, I felt at that time, I was never good enough to have a great and caring friend like Bonita and if someone deserves her more, she can have Bonita.
I still remember she came down to the basement where I was and asked me why I shut down totally. She told me "Fight for me! I am not a thing and you cannot just give me away like this and shut down." For the first time, someone stood up and tell me I was just stupid to give up on a friendship that was going so well. And so I did it for Bonita. Bonita worked very hard at bringing down my walls and she tore them down with me one by one. So I stayed and fought my fears with her and she was right in there with me. Today, our friendship is strong and has gone beyond time and space.
The Lord is teaching me about relationships, be it mother and daughter, father and son, husband and wife, brotherly or sisterly love or friends. The reality is that relationships are hard work. It is about joy but also pain. It is about love but also rejection. It is about fights but also forgiveness. It is not just about talking but also about listening. It is not just about giving but also about receiving. It is about not always doing but sometimes stopping to breathe together and just be. It is most of all about God.
Bonita makes so much sense. She said that God desires that we have relationships because we are never to be alone. And it is only natural to build connections and make sense of the world around us. My mother's build excellent connections with her friends. The kind that will last a life time. She is well respected by all those she met and she treats every one of the friends with much thought. She reads them like a book and she will also gently have her way and never allow anyone party to dominate. I love my mother for her friendly nature and giving personality.
Sometimes I think about the world our children live in. What do relationships mean for them? I hear alot about sex. But what happens after the sex? Do they even care? Our children live in a very difficult world. A world that confuses what true relationships entail. A world cluttered with mixed messages and wrong signals. And we have not equipped our children well enough to handle these signals. What is most important is the family unit is not strong to foster bonds within the family. We are going to be in trouble soon if we don't deal with the family unit. Too much time is spent on providing material worth to our kids. Too little time is spent just holding their hands and just be. (Nike didn't pay me for this.)
You know the world we live in is a very corrupted world. Only God can change it and we cannot. I am so thankful that God is with us each day to deal with the brokeness in our lives.
Dear Father
Please heal all our brokenness. Please touch our hearts and keep it from getting cold because of all the evil we see and do.
Bless us with peace within our hearts.
I am tired. I didn't get home till 2:30 this morning. I couldn't sleep the whole night. Tossing and turning and thinking. I called Bonita before I went to bed but she was not home. She was away and i left a message telling her I would call in six hours time and I did, first thing in the morning.
I have not spoken to her for the longest time. Before mum became ill, I would call her on and off to see how she was doing and if she was still the cheerio self she always is. But since mum became ill, I have not spoken to her. She is like my sister and mentor and someone I would return each time when I hit myself really hard. I was afraid to call her because I was afraid I would burst into tears if I even hear her voice. I probably would sob!
So finally I picked up the phone and dialled the same familiar numbers of my hiding place in Calgary. Three rings and as usual she is on the phone. She couldn't believe her ears and was so thrilled to hear me. I was composed, didn't cry yet and then we talked. The first thing on my mind was about what happened the night before. It was a night to be remembered because I witnessed the power of the Holy Spirit in what went on. The calmness of it all not only surprised the usual me but it was remarkable what God revealed to me. Anyway I spoke to Bonita and shared with her and she adviced me on some issues I need to work on.
Then she prayed for me. She told me that I have been under severe stress and that the stress is so great that I don't even know I am having it. I broke down and I cried my heart out as she prayed for me. But I can call her now because she has been worried if I would survive.
Last night I almost did something I do so well. Walking out! And Bonita knows it very well. She knows I can walk away from things most precious to me and not even show I care. She knows because I gave up our friendship a few times. But it was Bonita who told me to stay in there and fight for our friendship. You see unlike my mother, I never wanted to fight for things. I have faced intense competitions right from primary school. This one sees me as a competitor in their studies, that one sees me as a competitor at work. But to me, all these competitions bring unnecessary stress and I just wanted to have fun and live. Bonita taught me there are things I must fight for. One of them is to fight to stay in any relationships. Why did I want to walk out on this relationship? Well, I felt at that time, I was never good enough to have a great and caring friend like Bonita and if someone deserves her more, she can have Bonita.
I still remember she came down to the basement where I was and asked me why I shut down totally. She told me "Fight for me! I am not a thing and you cannot just give me away like this and shut down." For the first time, someone stood up and tell me I was just stupid to give up on a friendship that was going so well. And so I did it for Bonita. Bonita worked very hard at bringing down my walls and she tore them down with me one by one. So I stayed and fought my fears with her and she was right in there with me. Today, our friendship is strong and has gone beyond time and space.
The Lord is teaching me about relationships, be it mother and daughter, father and son, husband and wife, brotherly or sisterly love or friends. The reality is that relationships are hard work. It is about joy but also pain. It is about love but also rejection. It is about fights but also forgiveness. It is not just about talking but also about listening. It is not just about giving but also about receiving. It is about not always doing but sometimes stopping to breathe together and just be. It is most of all about God.
Bonita makes so much sense. She said that God desires that we have relationships because we are never to be alone. And it is only natural to build connections and make sense of the world around us. My mother's build excellent connections with her friends. The kind that will last a life time. She is well respected by all those she met and she treats every one of the friends with much thought. She reads them like a book and she will also gently have her way and never allow anyone party to dominate. I love my mother for her friendly nature and giving personality.
Sometimes I think about the world our children live in. What do relationships mean for them? I hear alot about sex. But what happens after the sex? Do they even care? Our children live in a very difficult world. A world that confuses what true relationships entail. A world cluttered with mixed messages and wrong signals. And we have not equipped our children well enough to handle these signals. What is most important is the family unit is not strong to foster bonds within the family. We are going to be in trouble soon if we don't deal with the family unit. Too much time is spent on providing material worth to our kids. Too little time is spent just holding their hands and just be. (Nike didn't pay me for this.)
You know the world we live in is a very corrupted world. Only God can change it and we cannot. I am so thankful that God is with us each day to deal with the brokeness in our lives.
Dear Father
Please heal all our brokenness. Please touch our hearts and keep it from getting cold because of all the evil we see and do.
Bless us with peace within our hearts.
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Dear Heavenly Father
I will lift mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help! My help cometh even from the Lord who hath made heaven and earth!
Thank you so much for not failing us despite our faithlessness. Thank you for taking so good care of mum and always enveloping her with so much love from all those around her. I want to thank you for this marvellous work You wrought in her life and showing me that You are indeed true and living. Without You we cannot have moved through this storm. Thank you for being here all the time even though we fail to see you, forget to look up to you and totally throw up our hands when things didn't go well. Inspite of all my folly, doubts and fears, Your mercy and loving kindness shine through.
Thank you Lord for using mum to teach me about what I can do through You. To let You have full control of her life. Because You lead, now I ask that You will lead in my life and show me what You want to do with my life. Make my path straight and clear and extend my influence Lord, like You extend mum's. I want to ask that You fill me with Your Holy Spirit such that I can see the path before me and take courage to do it.
Thank you Lord for using mum to teach me about what I can do through You. To let You have full control of her life. Because You lead, now I ask that You will lead in my life and show me what You want to do with my life. Make my path straight and clear and extend my influence Lord, like You extend mum's. I want to ask that You fill me with Your Holy Spirit such that I can see the path before me and take courage to do it.
Thank you for making mum a miracle. Thank you that the tumor marker came down from 700 over points to 200 within a short span of three months. We know it is You and only You. You led us to the right people and at the right time provided us with the refuge and solace. Indeed mum is safe in your arms. Thank you for granting Doctor Toh wisdom and giving him the positive spirit each time mum goes and sees him. Please continue to use this doctor who is also Your child to save more lives and comfort the tired patients. Please continue to use my mother to be a testimony to all her friends and give her the courage to speak about Your goodness and not be modest of what You did in her life.
Lord, what will we do without You? Lord what will we do because we have You? May You continue to lead us. May You continue to shrink the tumor and grant mum with more energy each day to fight the cancer. Keep her Lord in good health. Use us her children to be an encouragement to her and cheer her on. Lord also give us, her children the wisdom to know how to fight along side with her. Give us Your children the joy along this journey to carry on for Your glory. We are tired, very tired. Please heal Rebecca. She is sick and very sick with the flu too.
So Lord tonight, bless all those who prayed for us with peace and love. This world needs You. May You comfort all those who are weary and seeking. May You continue to reveal Your goodness to them so that they too can find REST.
I will declare the glories of the risen Lord. I gladly bow my knees. You are LORD. You are GOD.
Amen!
Sunday, April 08, 2007
Still Sick, sigh
My flu did not get better. In fact today because I was so tired, I didn't go church. I wonder what is the bug that I got that is giving me this discomfort. But Mum went to church with dad this morning. She came home and ate one whole plate of nasi lemak. She told me the speaker was new but she understood him.
Mum had visitors on Wednesday. Richard comes over in the afternoon but the deaconess Deborah of mum's church also came. She visited and sat with mum for more than 2 hours. Usually Deborah would sing to her and then they would read scriptures together and prayed. But this time round Deborah also shared more about herself and how God called her. Mum's church is very supportive and visited her when they had time and usually we are very glad they came because mum's spirit will be up.
Some side effects of Xeloda, the chemo drug are showing. I have noticed the black spots on the sole of her feet and how her hands are turning darker than usual. Please pray the side effects will fade off and that she will not be so tired. She also lost her appetite. When she doesn't eat, I cannot too. And I get very uptight about this. Sometimes I think staying with her in the house only gives her pressure so I will leave the house, go for a walk and then come back. I will eat out too because if I were to eat at home, I could not eat with mum not eating. So pray for me that I will trust God to take care of mum.
She walked a little wobbly tonight. But she told me it is because she has low blood pressure. I hope so. I am not a doctor.
Mum also caught the flu. She was extremely tired too. I tried not to speak too much or even go near her but it was rather difficult since we live in the same house. I even tried to avoid eating with her so I had TV meals instead. But still she got it. I guess we could never be really free from all the bugs in this world.
School has been busy for me. I have a student who will always asked about my mother. I am glad because I know he has been reading my blog. But what is most important is to know people out there are praying for her and my family. I am touched.
My throat is killing me. I cannot seem to shake the pain now residing right at the voice box. I believe the flu has gotten yet a little worst, even if I have taken some herbal drink.
"Whatever my lot, thou has taught me to say, it is well, it is well, with my soul!" Even the Lord was not spared the cross and the cup of suffering. What is a little pain? But it has gone on too long. Making swallowing painful and difficult.
Tuesday, mum will be going to the doctor again. Pray that the doctor continue to see her improve. The pain on the right side of her body is back. She told me it was always there. Just sometimes more painful than others.
I admire mum. She lives with hope everyday. I praise God for the strength and love. Each day as I leave my house, I pray that God will send angels to hold and embrace her. I pray God's love will envelope each day. She looks after herself at home in the day as dad and I go work. Rebecca will call to check and sometimes, dad buys lunch or she will cook for herself. I praise God for all these.
The battle is not done. We are all adjusting our schedules so we have time for her.
Yes, schedules. We all have schedules and we all need to schedule people in so we can meet them. Are we really that busy? I remember Bonita always tells me that she used to have schedules but she has learned to live without one and let things be. Sometimes it is fun what happens when you are not on schedule and things just happen.
Mum's illness was not in my schedule. I never thought about such things before. I always think I will go before any one of them because of all the illnesses I have. But I am thankful along this journey I still can learn and look back and be thankful for what the heavenly father can do for me.
It is getting late and school begins today already.
Mum had visitors on Wednesday. Richard comes over in the afternoon but the deaconess Deborah of mum's church also came. She visited and sat with mum for more than 2 hours. Usually Deborah would sing to her and then they would read scriptures together and prayed. But this time round Deborah also shared more about herself and how God called her. Mum's church is very supportive and visited her when they had time and usually we are very glad they came because mum's spirit will be up.
Some side effects of Xeloda, the chemo drug are showing. I have noticed the black spots on the sole of her feet and how her hands are turning darker than usual. Please pray the side effects will fade off and that she will not be so tired. She also lost her appetite. When she doesn't eat, I cannot too. And I get very uptight about this. Sometimes I think staying with her in the house only gives her pressure so I will leave the house, go for a walk and then come back. I will eat out too because if I were to eat at home, I could not eat with mum not eating. So pray for me that I will trust God to take care of mum.
She walked a little wobbly tonight. But she told me it is because she has low blood pressure. I hope so. I am not a doctor.
Mum also caught the flu. She was extremely tired too. I tried not to speak too much or even go near her but it was rather difficult since we live in the same house. I even tried to avoid eating with her so I had TV meals instead. But still she got it. I guess we could never be really free from all the bugs in this world.
School has been busy for me. I have a student who will always asked about my mother. I am glad because I know he has been reading my blog. But what is most important is to know people out there are praying for her and my family. I am touched.
My throat is killing me. I cannot seem to shake the pain now residing right at the voice box. I believe the flu has gotten yet a little worst, even if I have taken some herbal drink.
"Whatever my lot, thou has taught me to say, it is well, it is well, with my soul!" Even the Lord was not spared the cross and the cup of suffering. What is a little pain? But it has gone on too long. Making swallowing painful and difficult.
Tuesday, mum will be going to the doctor again. Pray that the doctor continue to see her improve. The pain on the right side of her body is back. She told me it was always there. Just sometimes more painful than others.
I admire mum. She lives with hope everyday. I praise God for the strength and love. Each day as I leave my house, I pray that God will send angels to hold and embrace her. I pray God's love will envelope each day. She looks after herself at home in the day as dad and I go work. Rebecca will call to check and sometimes, dad buys lunch or she will cook for herself. I praise God for all these.
The battle is not done. We are all adjusting our schedules so we have time for her.
Yes, schedules. We all have schedules and we all need to schedule people in so we can meet them. Are we really that busy? I remember Bonita always tells me that she used to have schedules but she has learned to live without one and let things be. Sometimes it is fun what happens when you are not on schedule and things just happen.
Mum's illness was not in my schedule. I never thought about such things before. I always think I will go before any one of them because of all the illnesses I have. But I am thankful along this journey I still can learn and look back and be thankful for what the heavenly father can do for me.
It is getting late and school begins today already.
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