The interviews and Randy Pausch

Tonight, while I waited to logon to the internet, I surfed the channel. I stopped at Oprah's show because of Randy Pausch. He did a compressed version of the lecture he gave at Carnegie Mellon. I feel for him. He is still very much alive after a few rounds of chemotherapy and did something like a whipple operation to remove a third of his stomach, a third of his liver and a third of his large intestines. He lost close to 50 pounds from the original 186 to 136. But he looked good. Still after the operation and rounds of chemotherapy, the doctors said he could not live and it will be a matter of time.

Doctor Ozz on her show said he never met anyone as brave as Dr Pausch. I wish he could come and meet my mother. If she had also been given the last lecture of her life, I think she will tell me how good it is to be able to live. Dr Pausch taught that last lecture to his three young kids, one five, another 3 and one just about a year. My mother will want me to learn how to live each day to the very best.

This afternoon, two groups of students knocked on my door to interview me for their biography. They asked some very tough questions. The first group asked me if I always wanted to be a teacher. I told them, my ambition is to be a lawyer. Teaching is just something I did because my mother always felt I should be working for the government. Believe it or not even at the age of 10, my teacher already picked me to peer teach the worst lot of students in my school. But teaching is not my first love. I used to think anyone can just stand infront of the class and teach. But I was wrong. Some of us are really not good at teaching at all.

The other group asked me if I would have a chance to change my life, what would I wish for. This was an excellent question. I thought for a short while and then I asked him, "Why should I change? I have a good life. What I went through thus far has made me who I am and stronger each day." Then he asked again what is important to me. I told him that it is my God, my family and my godsons. He asked if there was any advice for students today and I boldly told him "Honour God, honour your parents and teachers." I feel today's kids are very distracted and busy. Most of the time, they don't know what they want because they are too busy doing things and not thinking through things.

After the two interviews, the two groups of students told me they were glad to know more about me. How much can you know in less than 20 minutes? I cannot tell people I know myself even at my age. I am going through a phase of accepting my lack of strength. I feel tired. I believe my fibromyalgia is back to attack my joints. It is getting tougher to keep awake in the afternoon the past week. I tried adding more vitamins and minerals to my diet of pills but still I could not keep awake.

When my colleague came in to speak with me this afternoon, my brain just fogged up. I could not hear him although my eyes are wide open and looking lucid. Within seconds, my eyes shut. I believe I drifted to sleep for about a minute and there upon I stood up and like always, abruptly brushed people off to go home and sleep before I collapse. Along my way to get a cab, I met a colleague who wanted to talk about my project group. I was not very lucid already and so I said somethings and then brushed her off telling her "I need to sleep."

Eventually, I took a cab home and on the way, my driver was extremely nerve racking but I could not keep awake already and in between sleeps I managed to direct him to my house. I

Mum taught me well. It is really not about dying. It is about living. It is not about living without mistakes but what we do with the mistakes we make. Life is about learning and constantly learning more about who God is and who I am before Him and what He wants with me in my life.

Somehow, there are teachers in my school spreading the fact that I will be staying in China for good when I returned to Beijing. I think they are so wrong. I hope to retire in China but right now I have a dad to take care of and my wonderful family to love. Until God is willing to shift me out of where I am, I have to obey and stay. But I do dream and plan for my retirement. There are many reasons to stay but there are also many reasons to go. I wish I could stay in Calgary for good but the reality is that I cannot live like a millionaire in Canada. In China, I can.

Oops there is another earthquake in Sichuan again. No news how many casualties. Pray for China. Pray that God will protect our Chinese friends and may God protect our Christian brothers and sisters working in the Olympics. We must pray that God protect all the atheletes competing so that China can stand and rise and shine for Jesus.

I will wear my T shirt on Friday. Although I cannot be there but my spirit and prayers are with them everyday.

Do I love Singapore? Yes I do. It is where my family and friends stay and people I care about are here.

What about you? Are you wearing RED on Friday to celebrate our national day?

Speechless...

Have been trying to blog for the last week, but I deleted them because I realized that my life has become a lot calmer. I also noticed that Iam blogging more about my work and I think I might have hit the writer's derth.

What should I write today? I took sick leave this morning because I really could not pull myself off from my bed with the bad sinus attack and an absess at the back of my neck. The pain is excruciating when I sleep so I rather lie face down. I wish I don't have to go to work on Friday but there is a test I need to administer. So fast, time flew just like that and then October and I will be flying back to Beijing again. I am looking forward to the return. Partly because this new batch of students will be those I know and I hope to have a good time with them. I am also going to try and work towards more interaction with the local schools there so that my students get the best of both worlds.

Yesterday two boys came into class a little late and before I could start my lesson, they requested that they would like to do a biography about me. I was really surprised they want to write about me because I am just an ordinary teacher. So I recommended a few of my colleagues for them to work on. But they turned me down infront of the class. I think to make me consent, they really complimented me too highly. My school will tell you that all of us are great teachers! So by right, they can interview any teacher to get a story. Well, I told them to read my blog and they will know I am just any other teacher on the street.

As I was watching news from Beijing, I saw some places are now beautifully decorated to welcome the Olympics. I bought a t shirt that says China wins. I will be wearing it on 8th August. I gave three t shirts out. All of us will be wearing it on that day and in spirit we are with China. Many problems are still not solved. The air quality, the security issues and threats of terrorism are still hovering in the city. I will pray that God be merciful and may God Bless China and may the people of God in China unite and pray for a good Olympics so that the World will know China Can Do! Many may think I am proChina. Yes I am. I believe with all my heart, the Lord is going to do a mighty work there and I don't want to miss the action.

Last Friday, my project group was down at Pipit Road to distribute food packages to 20 families. I brought 5 sec 1 boys with me to 4 homes. One was out. Their jaws dropped as they listened to the stories of all those they visited. I wondered if their lives are changed after this experience or will they become more apathetic. You know we know the right thing to do but we just don't do it. Is it because we have no energy? Is it because we just don't see any end to this problem? Is it because the call of duty is just 6 hours? I only know that I have been fulfilling a dream of feeding the poor and I have since gone towards that direction. I am trying to help people see that we can do something with whatever we have and many of us have a lot to share. When I shopped for $35 worth of groceries, I found I could buy a lot of things. I hope one day, there will be a day when the poor can get fresh food people donate. I have confidence that God will see my project through.

I take training my project group members rather seriously. I check if they learn anything each time they meet. Be it project or research papers, all students under my charge work very hard. But I have also found that the groups I am getting are not thinking too much. I have come to this conclusion that really I am younger than them. Young minds supposed to fire up new ideas but I found that I am setting the blaze and they are just trailing. Gone are the days when my students actually teach me things. I wish my boys now can teach me something new.

It felt good the other day when I was at a meeting of all science teachers. I was able to showcase some useful sites and resources for their teaching. My principal is very adamant that I focus on my talent for seeking information. He may be right. I attended a course on giftedness and talent. The theory states that giftedness is innate but talent develops when giftedness is given a chance. Since then I have become more aware of my gifts. I am very perceptive. Wonder what will happen when I develop this. I also believe more and more that my talent lies in music and singing. So I should quit my job and join the Singapore Idol...old idol that is. I have thought about sustaining my retirement by singing jingles for commercials...crazy?? May be not. I also thought about cutting a record...well...dreams..are for me. If I stop dreaming, then life can be a bore.

Nobody can say dreams will not come true. It is really up to us to bring it to pass. So like I always say, verbalize your dreams...someone with like mindedness might just hear you and say..."Hey! Do it!" and it is done.

Life is full of its problems. But we can always hope for a better day. Cherish the moment and the people in the moment. We never know when the night will come and remove the joy of the day. When night falls, remember to rest in the Lord and the assurance that He will bring the sun up again.

The rainbow reminds us of God's covernant never to destroy earth with a flood. But the Sun tells us that God's mercy is renewed over and over again. The night tells us God's rest when we throw our burdens on Him. We have a great God and greatly to be praised are the things He did, he has done, and will do when we trust Him.

Talk to you again...

The successes of my students

I want to celebrate my students today. I think I have enough of the bad days. Because if I look at things I can celebrate, there is just so many. I have a great group of students. Especially those who left the school and still come back and say Hi. And those who are continue to make waves in the society and still remembers this teacher. I am very thankful to God for each and everyone of them.

Let me first celebrate my own form class. Two Fridays ago, they stood up and told the truth. Although now the ball is back in my court to defend myself, I will never regret asking my boys to tell the truth. The truth hurts and will hurt until we accept the fact and begin the change. I may be named the trouble maker, but I know what I did was necessary. It has gone on too long, this verbal abuse and this type of unhealthy environment. No one can learn under so much fear and nobody will be motivated to excel. Don't think I never scold. I will if the scolding is necessary. After mum's death, I realized too that there are more important things in life than to dwell on people who will not change. I am only worried that the hurt will grow. I forgive the people who called me names, and said many things behind my back because I have so much to be thankful for.

I am thankful that each day my classroom has students who want to drop by for a cookie or a candy. I am thankful they find it cosy enough to sit down and sleep if they have to. I still have this small following.

Then there are those who left for many years. Today I want to share about Shengquan. He is really awesome. Not because he has academic achievements. But this gentlemen is willing to be sincerely humble. I was rather worried when he started out in 2002 having those grandeur dreams of making it BIG and he did 40 hours or more Community Service in his first year in junior college and he planned everything to succeed. It took one maths test and one teacher who disgustingly told him to "go and die". It shook his world. I remember that day because it was world cup year and Korea was playing against Germany. I planned to go to the Padang to support Korea. Felt so Asian for that day! But he called and called to ask me to meet him for dinner. I turned it down twice and then I realized I didn't really hear him. So I finally agreed. That dinner was sweet. He sat across from me and told me he felt like a failure. He said all the good works he did, he didn't do it from his heart. He just did it because he has to. I was so happy I nearly cried. Happy that he could fail forward. Happy that he realized that behind helping there is this person and his needs. I am glad he realized there are people out there. Although I don't always meet him, we remain in touch. My young man is very down to earth, rather hip, got a steady head and sure foot but very, very kind heart. Since the last time we meant, he has been paying forward. Giving to the society and studying, setting up one company after another. He is only 24 going 25. Yah...I am old!

Recently he has another good offer. Together with his partner, he sets up this online store : http://www.tykobuy.com/ . He gives discount for his friends of his alma mater if they produce an ID of some sort. So do support him.

Then there are some more. Tianhan who is returning for a visit to share about his Permanent Head Damage programme. Then there is Melvin who is so successful in the band at SMU and living a life while trying to make ends meet. Never forget Joshua who is still trying to stay footed but confident of where God is leading him. In fact he told me to learn to get out of my boat. I want to know what boat I am in so I can get out of it and do something different. Then there is Yifong, aspiring Geography teacher who has travelled the world and will be travelling more worlds. He asked that I stay on to mentor him when he returns for a short teaching stint. I think I should learn from him. Then there is Ziqian, a lawyer in the making. He visits all his teachers when he is free. This group is 21 going 22 with some exceptions.

Then I have a team of 4 boys. Jian Ming, Jingsheng, Cheng Leng and Yihan. They never fail to keep in touch. Take me to the movies and sing karaoke with me when they are free. I am grateful that they take this old lady out so that I can relax. They also give me advice on what is the latest, what is not and keep me level and young. This group is going to be 20. I have Jeffrey too, my marathoner who never fails to chat with me when he is free. Then there is my amazing Luxin. This boy used to be very laid back and he washed his own uniform. He has a great friend who brought him to church but he never really believed until one day...I noticed on my msn chat, his nick has all these bible verses. I started chatting about salvation with him. And he came to know the Lord eventually. I didn't bring him to the Lord, someone elses did. And I was overjoyed that Luxin is a christian. He is from China. We could have met when I was in Beijing because he was just there. But he flew home to Singapore on the day I returned with the second batch. But we will meet in heaven. Then there is Alex Foon. He will chat me up on MSN and will tell how he is working or not working and how well he is doing in SMU or not. And I would always ask him about his parents because I met them when I was in KL.

Then there are those who are working on their projects and research papers with me. Their busy schedules frighten me. And it is just amazing to see how they can do so much. I cannot! Not now, not ever. I wish they could pace themselves because by the time they enter the world, would they be too tired to handle what is dished out to them. I want my boys to have a life after school. I have students who may not be successful now but they are the ones who have the courage to learn from their mistakes and continue to bear with some of life's harsh realities. There are those like Aaron, who despite a tight schedule at school, still leads a group to care for the poor. Then there is Derrick, who tries hard to complete his work despite hours spent in the pool. And Blim for being thrown on the floor mat every week because he is part of the Judo team. I also have busy, and quiet students like Clements (both of them are quiet) who have their own quiet rebellion and hardly noticeable but they contribute. One Clement bought me the best of London including Cadbury to share with the class. Then there are my P1and P2 students who might be reading my blog to find out if they are left out. This group will be fun to watch. They have so much potentials but don't wish to realize them. If only they knew what they have when they unleash the power to study and stay focus. I forgot to mention about my high flyers from sec 3. These boys stayed with me in Beijing for two months and they are a fantastic group who watches out for their teachers and each other. Really nice bunch.

Last night I was reading about motivation of high school learners. Wow, it was profound. And one of the things the researchers find important to the teenagers is social life. The ability to live as a herd can help them build confidence. And a caring environment is essential. So I am very against people who do not understand this and insist their philosophy of tyranny. Although I always tell my students that my middle name is TYRANT, I don't like to terrorize my students in my lessons for more than 20 minutes.

As a child, I grew up with teachers who told me I am no good and I will be no good. My kindergarten teacher told my mum, I will end up with the street kids and be nothing. I remember that. It is still vivid. So don't let anyone tell you who you are not and don't believe them. That is why I thank God for my siblings. They trained their children to refuse anyone who use the word "Stupid" on them. My nephews and nieces will go home and tell their parents and the teachers will get to hear from us. I support that. So if I call you stupid, ask me what am I teaching you.

I have so much to be thankful. I know my boys are out there waiting to support me when I call. Thank you Lord for all of them. For the good that I have, and the bad ones that will be moulded by you Lord to become great, Lord I thank you. Bless them all. Keep them from danger and continue to help them as they walk on in life. Please show them the way. I can only do this much. To teach and to guide. I make mistakes but you Lord, you don't when I give you my control.

闷

可能是天气吧。特别纳闷. 尤其是阴天，心情特差。

因为我得了一个坏消息。我一个学生母亲的命危在旦夕。 我探望过她两次。每一次我都带着希望和鼓励。我很想给她信心。但我这次我做不到。

我记得很清楚当我知道这位朋友的病时，我已经和我的同事说我很难受，很不安。因此我很希望我的预感不对。

星期天听到她病危，我没心情和勇气去医院看她。没有一些鼓励的话与我学生分享。我只有祈祷，让耶稣来抚慰他们一家。

每一次走进医院时，都被扑鼻恶心的药味弄得反胃。看到那些病人与病魔的挣扎，我很想上前慰问。 但我知道我只有哭的份儿.

我不喜欢夏天。夏天应该带给我欢笑。但是夏天是我失去我母亲的开始。

快要到一年了。妈妈已经离开要一年了。我不时地想她应该会做什么。她会怎样煮今天的晚餐。

父亲那无神的脸，没光的眼睛，我看到。我尝试让父亲帮我做一些小差事。但他提不起兴趣。真的好难逗他开心。连最可爱得如意也不能让父亲发出一笑。

这个星期一定会过吧。你说呢？因为神会陪我度过。我只要相信。

请为我学生一家祷告。让他们知道神在掌握一切。 让他们相信耶稣没有离弃他们。

God is my refuge and strength

What is man that you are mndful of him, the son of man that you care for him?

I often wonder why God ever want to bother with me. Why did He promise He will not forsake me and promise to be right beside me no matter what I am or what I am going through. Better yet, He tells me that no matter how bad the situation, He has been through it before and they all shall pass. Is this really possible? He says YES!

I only need to have faith. I only need to believe. Is it that simple? But sometimes the storms just keep coming and I am overwhelmed. Can I not trust? Can I just walk away from the Lord?

Even in difficult times, we can choose to obey or disobey God, choose to allow God to work or do the work ourselves. This evening at dinner, my sister's family came to try our new stall down below my block. After the dinner, the three children of course trooped to my room to enjoy the TV and the air condition. Then in the middle of watching the last episode of the incredible women (ala Singapore style) Tiffany yelled, "Sweet!". She was gramatically correct. She found one on my floor. I don't allow my neices and nephews to eat in the room because they leave behind stuff for the littlest ants to come. Of course I was annoyed. Timothy quickly snatched it from TIffany and we all asked how come only one sweet in his pocket. His answer was almost unbelievable. He said just in case! Just in case of what?

He explained "Just in case I am hungry." Both Tifany and I asked him what he could do with one sweet? He went further to elaborate that he also brings a water bottle, an umbrella besides his books for PSLE, just in case! I told him then that he can trust God because God will provide. He replied "But God help those who help themselves. We cannot trouble God all the time!" He got me thinking. No wonder his bag is heavy. We will carry a heavy load when we don't trust God and JUST in Case we need to help ourselves. Don't get me wrong. It doesn't mean we don't do anything. We still need to work. God says if we are lazy, we should go and learn from the ants. Busy, busy ants!

Many times we want to help ourselves. We don't want to trouble God. Afterall there are so many praying to Him everyday so He must be very busy. This is what our finite mind thinks and will probably do with our finite strength. We help ourselves so we don't bother people since all of us have enough trouble already. But God says "Call upon me and I will answer." That is a promise. Not an invitation. Not an iffy.

There are many self help books out on the shelves. How to be a better person, what to do to be more effective in your workplace, why you can make a million bucks...All to make us feel good without people and most of all without GOD! But God wants us to run to Him like Theodora will run to Thomas (my broher in law) when he gets back home from work. She still runs to daddy. The other two stopped running to daddy. They just welcome him warmly with "Hello daddy." Likewise, God wants us to say "Hello, I am stuck."

Why do people help themselves? Perhaps asking for help is a form of weakness. But think further. Can the silence to cry for help and refuse help from others be a form of pride? Can the silence be a form of control that we refuse to let God have in our lives? Thinking...

My parents always don't want to bother people. They like to do things themselves. Of course they have us to ask for help but there are things we may need others to help. This kind of help they refuse. Sometimes it can be difficult for people who have been always so self sufficient. It is good to have some self esteem and we need that. But we need to know when to call for help and when we can do it ourselves.

I have learned throughout this year that when I lose my control to God and let Him handle any situations, I function better. The answers from God for help may not be instant. But it comes. I learn to wait for help to come and in the meantime, trust Him. It is difficult to trust God with my life at times. It is always easy when times are sunny and good to give Him my life. But then I tend to take it back when life is a little difficult. I want to hasten the process of helping. I will do it myself many times. In such times, I am always bruised and broken. But God is right back again to tell me "Come on, I want to be in. Count me in." This lesson of relinquishing control to God is a lesson I always revist. Some days I pass with flying colours, a high distinction. Some days, I fail, with F10. But throughout the entire period, God never left the spot we met at the very first. It was I who drifted away as I started to control my life.

I was listening to some cantonese christian songs tonight and Rebecca was also in the room with the three kids. I was listening to a song called footprints. It was then that I told the story of footprints in the sand. I told of a little boy who asked Jesus very accusingly why He did not keep the promise of never forsaking him. He asked why Jesus was not there when he needed His help most. He questioned how come there was a only a set of footprints in the sand. Like a good teacher, I asked them why there was a set of footprints. Rebecca said she knew the answer so I told her to keep quiet. Timothy thought for a while, but Tiffany mumbled that Jesus was in the boy's heart when he was in trouble." Theodora kept quiet. So I asked Rebecca to tell the answer. She said "Jesus is in the boy's heart." I told her "Think again!" Then they asked me "Why?" I replied " Jesus was holding the boy on his shoulder, carrying him over the troubles the boy was going through." Theodora said "Orrrhhhh!"

You see, even without us asking, God carries us on His shoulders. Whether we give Him our burdens or not, He is just going to be there. Not silent. But walking and praying for us even when we don't want to pray for ourselves. He will carry us through. He will send help. May be not the kind of help we want but help that will be good for us. Sometimes we just don't recognize the help we need.Sometimes even though we know the answer, we just hope it can be the answer we want. So when God is in control, when we are not on sure footing except the rock upon we stand, we can only obey.

God is my refuge and strength, an ever present help in trouble.Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.

Life is stormy at times. God doesn't allow sunshine without the rain. But He will hold an umbrella above you and finish the journey.