One of the things that is stuck in my thoughts is a phrase Pastor Ian shared in his message in Calgary on the last sunday I was there. He talked about the size of the soul. He asked if our soul is big or is it small. It never struck me at all that there is some measure to the soul. So is there really a size. Can there be S, M, L, XL, XXL and XXXL and more?
I had a very lousy afternoon and something happened and I revisited this thought. Tonight I took time out to seek this interesting point. I found A.W. Tozer answering part of my quest. He said that the size of a man's soul is likely to determine his success or failure in the rough, competitive world of the 20th century. I think he would say the same thing about the 21st century. He emphasized that the size of the soul determines the extent of usefulness in God's kingdom. So it seems that the larger the size of the soul, the more useful we are for God. Paul is a man with a big soul. As Saul, he persecuted Christians but when he met the Lord along the way to Damascus, his soul was purged and burned with the love of God so much so that he was persecuted. I thought too about meeting Jesus. If I had met Jesus, would I have done the same as Paul.
That really depends on how I am going to increase the size of my soul. Must I be persecuted? Like being mistreated for some wrong reasons? God forbid. He loves me so much, nothing would hurt him more than to see me suffer. The only way to increase the size of your soul is to allow the Holy spirit to regenerate me. That is to lead a spirit filled life and allow God control and believe His control is better.
As I walked out of school yesterday afternoon, I was feeling down. Just as I was near the gantry, I saw a familiar face. This boy, now in JC2 was walking towards the field when he turned and saw me. And then he yelled at the top of his voice my name. He ran across the road towards the gantry and just checked to see how I was doing. I was deeply touched by this gesture. This is the second time he has done this and the second time I forgot his name. Now I remember. I asked him for it. He is Li Ye. So i asked why he was so excited to see me. He told me because he has not seen me for so long. Probably true because he was on the other side of campus I don't usually walk by. Has no business to be there unless I need to go visit the supermarket there. He also added that he miss me. Well, that is grand for me. But I thought for a moment, I really had no business with him either because I don't teach him anymore. He added that I was unique. Well, should I take this as a compliment? He must complete his kind gesture with another phrase, " really cannot forget!" That is it. I am sold.
Just about 3 hours before I met him, I met 9 of my mentees. They are probably reading my blog now. Out of 9, three chose me as their first choice as a mentor. I was hoping nobody chose me. I have a notorious name. One I am proud of. I was hoping that would deter all so I don't have too much work to do. But no such luck. I have 9. How do I feel about them? I cannot tell yet. But I do know they all came into the humanities programme because they wanted to pursue their favourite subject of literature, geography or history. Some didn't choose me as their first choice because I was going to be leaving soon for Beijing. These are the practical ones. I don't blame them but at their age, they sure can plan. They must live in a world of the lack of commitment. So they think when I am gone, I will also abandon them and leave them caution to the wind. Well, some people I just walk away without feeling any remorse. But I do stay for the few.
I take my commitments seriously. If I am committed, and sure about what I want to do, I go into it 120%. Sometimes, this intensity sickens me. Because the intensity is great, I am not always committed to many things too. I choose who or what I want to commit carefully. Commitments take time and energy. You need to spend time to make sure you fulfil these commitments. But nowadays, not many people are willing to invest time and energy in fulfilling the commitments they make. Look at the failed marriages and the fronts we keep. Nobody wants to go any deeper than necessary because we don't want to give up our time to get to know the other person or be involved in another life. As a result the size of our soul shrinks. Not enough to accomodate even God. He becomes a by product. A sunday relative we visit. A friend who is on our leash perhaps.
I noticed how some of my students who went with me on some of the trips bought gifts for their friends. There are the not so good friends but must keep friends in case they need to find out about work and the need to keep these bridges open. For these ones I was told, they would buy them just the $2 shop things. Then there are those you must buy because they are your seniors and they determine if you live or die in your cohort, then you buy the more "expensive" things". You see even at their tender age, they buy the gifts according to the level of commitment. How interesting! Wonder what happens when God does the same thing to us and put us in different levels of commitment. What if He dies for some more than the others? What would our soul be like?
It only goes to show that many are not willing to be committed. Many of the commitments are superficial, sufficient to tie them through a period so that they will have some chances at peace.
But Jesus is committed all the way to the cross without holding back. This level of commitment is remarkable. He knows that He might never get anything in return but He pursues us. We can be somewhere drinking our blues, toying with the emotions of kind souls, committing sins galore and ignores what He did on the cross and still He stands there waiting.
I check my level of commitment to somethings in my life today. Some commitments are rather heavy. I turned to the Lord this afternoon and told Him to help me out. I need to use His yoke.
Then I found these two songs in Cantonese. Really spell out what was in my heart since I got back. And I thank God for using it to comfort me. The first song is a song in a movie about a doctor who died during SARS. The actress, Ada is an excellent actress who has a great testimony to share. Her new life in Christ turned many things around for her. She is going to be married this coming January. I am deeply touched by her testimony. Many of Hong Kong TVB actors and actresses are strong Christians who stand for God. This is what we need to see more often in our country. People standing for God from all walks of life because if we don't do so, very soon the voice of the devil will be heard and will bring more confusion so we cannot see God clearly. If we allow the devil to take away our freedom of speech, courage to stand up against what is wrong, then we are giving him territory and we have only ourselves to blame. Not the devil.
I totally agree with the lyrics. I have nothing to lose. Nothing that I want more than to rest in the Lord and be in Jesus. I just want to finish what God wants me to do and go HOME. Because I know at the otherside of the rainbow, mum will be there.
The second song is about FOOTPRINTS in the sand. Always thinking it was I who was walking along the beach alone not knowing that the Lord was carrying me on His shoulders so that I would not have to wet my feet. I need some help now urgently. I think I can only trust God. Pray for me. The Food Samartian Project will be launched on the 11th of January. We have some urgent matters that are not settled and we need expert advice. Pray for wisdom.
The Lord beckons. May He come soon.
惟求奉上生命全归主所有，
要将一切尽献于我主的手。
我已决定今生再没所求，
惟望得主称赞已足够。
