Failure

Failure. Always represented by RED. It doesn't matter what type of red. The RED can be black but the head sees it RED. It just is so BRIGHT.

The test results are out today for my form class. They didn't do as well as they should. Some of my top students with perfect score had to get something higher. As high as 2.5 or more for their mean subject grades. Usually they score 1.0.

As their class mentor, I am supposed to be saddened by this. But I am not. I witnessed different reactions to the F9. And frankly I am happy for them. I am so glad they can fail now and not later. Because if they know how to deal with their failures now, they will be able to learn how to cope with failures. I want them to know life is full of failures. But the important lesson is to get back in there, learn why we fail and then fight it.

I am so glad today when I stood beside Liki, top student all his life until now, and asked about how well he did. He smiled and said that he did terribly. Then I asked how he felt. It shook him but he was able to rise from it. I am so happy Liki did not have a life with no failures. To be able to know there is something you need to work on is better than thinking you have it all. Then there was another student. I asked him yesterday how he felt about failing Geography. Now this dear student is excellent. He organized my class and always the first to share all his notes that he did up. Always the first to share those excellent notes. But you know, he failed geography. He felt terrible and he wanted just that extra mark to pass. We didn't give him. I rather he knows why he didn't do well than to deceive him that things are okay. I saw how some of them queued up to argue for that extra mark to make sure their progress report is not in RED. Well, too bad. They must fail this time.

Failure seems a little scary at first. Those who never fail before will find their world suddenly grow from grey to black. Their hearts raced and their countenances fell. Then there is a lot of self blame and a lot of if only this, if only that. But in the end they have to admit, failure is gone. It is a fact. We cannot change history. Can we? But we can rewrite history. That is why history is important.

Last term I had one boy who scored an average of 5.6 for all his subjects. I had to give him the ultimatum. He has to leave the programme because he was not coping. I saw how he tried and tried. Always staying positive and always smiling for the past 15 months since 2008. Whenever I asked this boy how he was doing , he would say that he was coping. But then I know the results don't lie. Something was wrong. I wonder what really mattered to him. So the final straw was to send him back to where he could perform and learn. He came to me to appeal not to send him back and I could almost see smoke coming from his nostrils. But I told him that this sincerity was not enough for me to know he could perform. He came back again and showed me the mindmaps he did over the weekend and proved he studied. Well, that too was not enough. I told him, "OUT!" It was then he pleaded that he would not have friends if he left the programme. My answer was "Make some. Find them." This was what I was looking for. He finally knew what was at stake, what he wanted to work towards. This term, he scored 2.5. Together with his mother, we changed his study habits. He never did the ten years series and never paid attention in class. Today, he is a different person.

Then there was Weidong. He came back from Beijing a changed person. He is now working harder than ever and totally stop gaming online. What motivates him? He saw how Joel studied all the time. They finally saw why they had to study hard. They realized it was time to go into full steam ahead because there are things at stake.

But you know, there are not many succcess stories. I have a boy always struggling but always positive. He tried everything possible. I have to sit down with him and see how he is studying.

Don't misunderstand. I ache too when my students fail. Because I know they worked hard for every single tests. But each time when I mark their tests, my heart die a little. You just wonder what happened in that 40 minutes. Where did all the brains go? Became tofu? Sigh!

So I dread marking tests and exams. I had to find ways to give marks too. So it is not easy to teach students how to fail. Believe me. We teachers don't like to fail students unless we have no choice.

Life is about failures. And there are many kinds of failures too. Academic failures you can rectify with improved study methods or adjust your learning or schedule your time. But some failures you have to work harder at restoring. Relationships for one are tough.

My mum was always the kind soul with a kind word. She seldom utter any poor remarks openly. Privately she did share some of her friends' idionsyncrancies with me. Today I still remember how she handled those she never really like but they still think so highly of her. I don't have the knack in that. I don't like, I show. hahaha. Because unlike mum, I believe I don't have to make everyone my friend. If I were younger, I may take her advise. But right now, I am very happy with who I call friends, good friends, best friends. I fail all the time here. And no matter how hard I try, I fail. But that doesn't stop me from trying again. Going through failures with people are more painful. You don't see F9. But you see RED. However, don't stop just at the RED light. Wait for the GREEN and go again.

The courage to take the first step of the many to rectify the failures is to acknowledge you cannot do it alone. I am so thankful that my journey through these failures are made good because of God. Without Him, I can do nothing. I praise Him for making me and constantly avail Himself so I can finish the race. I hope in my end of days I can hear Him say I have fought a good fight, I have finished the course.

To my family, all my best friends, good friends and friends, thank you for loving me the way I am. All that imperfect, all that raw and all the cause for pain. Thank you for hanging in there with me. I love you all. Few but good enough. You know who you are. That's good enough.

Translation for this song I picked for this entry especially for Bonita.

Here goes: 

I walked thousands of miles and along the way I faltered and fell and couldn't get up. My hopeless heart was wrenched, my helpless body without power. In the midst of this great sense of loss i found a strong shoulder to lean on. What a pleasant surprise that In this ocean flooded with people, I met you.  From now on no matter how treacherous the journey, how stormy the weather, with you by my side, the whole experience will be wonderful. To have met you in the midst of my loneliness and sadness is a blessing I don't deserve. I will face the challenges and the hard knocks squarely because you gave me the courage to do so.

I really felt this song described how I truly felt about the failures I met in my life. Hope you like it.

Monday Morning all fresh and ready for the short week!

Every body likes to say Thank God it's Friday. Well, I thank God it is Monday!

I woke up with a message buzzing to meet Melvin for lunch this morning and set off to work on the paper my student wrote for the National Weather Study Project. We didn't think we would make it for the finalist list but we did. I had to work through the whole weekend non stop to come up with a good report. I totally changed the format and his perspective on the whole research.

It is an interesting report on monsoons and mosquitoes. He was working on people's awareness on Dengue and whether people were doing what they should be doing because they knew that Dengue could kill if not treated. Although it was his suggestion but I brought him to look at global climate change and how it would increase the breeding of vector borne diseases world wide. Do you know that mosquitoes cannot fly higher than the 7th floor and they most certainly cannot live in cold climate. But with global warming, the man made kind, they can know go higher up the latitudes. I am not sure about the altitude. That is another project ba!

To the horrors of our findings, Singaporeans sort of know what is dengue and they believe they are not so unlucky to get it. Really? But do you know that your neighbour's lucky mosquitoes can breed in your house? Lucky you! Hahaha.

My cousin had dengue. So it was a rule in the house for her and not me, that she must wear long pants to bed and be totally covered. Mum's order! I sleep in the air conditioned room and mosquitoes cannot fly too actively unless I go shopping in the night market. Whatever the reason, we are very aware that Dengue can kill. I also learned to know what is dengue and not dengue by looking at the body of the victim. My cousin had tiny red spots all over her because of a low blood count. I think! All she had was panadols and lots of prayers during those times. Of course she recovered. That was like ten years ago.

We watched our flower pots and turned over our pails when we are not using them so no water in the bathroom if possible.

Today Dad has gone down to visit the doctor. He complained about a pain in his chest. He pulled a muscle? I am not sure. But he is better at going to the doctor. Mum was also good. In fact they both went on their own for their medicals regularly. Something they did to keep themselves from worst scenarios I guess. So I hope dad feels better.

Saturday morning, Dad took almost the whole family to mum's graveside again because Sunday was Mother's day. I didn't go. Didn't feel like going to see her because that marks the day when everything lost control. I stayed home to work on the paper. Dad told me that the children all prayed at mum's graveside and they had a good time visiting. My dad likes all of us to sing at her graveside. He likes it that we spend a longer time. He will make us pray and make us clean up the graveside. We do that every month.

But I never like it long. I like it short. Short and sweet. Everything about life for me, has to be short and sweet.

I believe mum is not there at all. I know she is with the Lord. Sleeping? Singing but definitely not caring about this world anymore. And she is probably busy doing what she loves most. Rest! So visiting her is rather meaningless for me. Other than ceremonial for the children to remember, I don't usually go. I rather go when no one is there so that I can spend time thinking about what we did and what we wished we did together. I never really brought my mum to Australia and Korea. The last time we spoke about travelling together, I wanted to bring her to Korea.

So Saturday was not so exciting for me but Dad had a great day because all his grand kids are there right by mum's graveside. What defines a mother is what she has around her. Her husband, her children and her grandchildren.

Yesterday at service, three mothers shared their testimonies. Pastor Brown didn't speak. So gracious of him to share the pulpit with the world's most important people...mothers. And Mothers are Mentors.

I mentor about 100 over kids a week. It is like having a toothache that comes up anytime if you have bad food or bad aftertaste in your mouth when they do something stupid. Sometimes very difficult to forgive and forget. But time heals and time will rectify everything. Time is really the best medicine. Not laughter! Nothing is funny when your students choose to do the wrong thing and deliberately bang their heads against the pillar they think is strong. Nothing.

Are there joys being a mentor to so many kids? Yes, when they remember you mentored them and had made a difference. Federick Sim. Ah...this young man is interesting. I never thought he would remember me but he did. He even went on the school's website to look for my email and contacted me. To my pleasant surprise he said that I am not one to be easily forgotten. Both good and bad I think. But never in my whole life I would expect students from 2L 2003 to remember. But he did. He was one of those who were rather michievous. But he was smart and hardworking. Just mischievous and forgetful. But has brains.

Then there was another, Junwei. This one never had a file. Everything he handed in is all scruffy or torn. I still marked his work. I also told him that he should draw and become an artist. He will not make it in the academic world because he just could not conform with that creative mind. He didn't do well for his Junior college days. He left to join Laselle. Doing excellently now.

I had the priviledge of teaching his cousin. This one is even tougher to handle. He had a bad temper and not afraid to show it. Chen Rui was my student in 2004. When I returned from my short stint in NIE, he approached me somewhere in August of 2007 to help him with his O level geography. So upon the request of my principal, I took up the challenge. He was not at all the person they described him. I was kind of surprise. We worked a few papers and a few occasions. He was good. He did well and only after his O level results did he tell me that he was Junwei's cousin. The respect he gave me was because of Junwei. Junwei told him that I was the only teacher who gave a damn about him. You see, Junwei never told me personally what my advice did for him. However he told his little cousin. That meant a lot to me. Because some of my students are just not cut out for the government, or the big shots or CEOs. Some are just good as artists, musicians and just be who they want to be. I find it hard to say all of them are going to be important people because I am not important.

Chen Rui is doing just fine looking at his facebook. May God continue to bless Chen Rui because only with God all things are possible. I remember Marcus who defied all odds and join Laselle instead right after O levels. Nothing wrong. Excellent choice because he is so popular in the creative circle now. I hope my mentees, whether in academic research, or service learning projects will know that although I want the best for them and want the best from them, they must do what is best for themselves. A mentor can only guide and push the best out of you but you can only be the best if you believe you are the best. The best is decided by the level you set for yourself.

Its time to make my lasagne. I am going to share this with my colleagues. You are lucky if you come by the office to have a whiff of the food. Talk to you again.

What is life?

Today has been busy. I sat at my desk and did nothing but work on my tests and the answers I have to give. Cracking my head over these are bothersome. Then I had to stay back to judge a few projects. There were some upheavals in the school with regard to classrooms but no worries, the problem will be resolved.

I came home all tired out and drained. I always turn my laptop on and hope to work on the answers before I leave to join my sister and my lovely nieces for dinner. Dad was happy to see his little girls all the time. Anyways, I turned on my messenger and a student knocked on my window asking to speak to me. I often spend time chatting with students who need help. And he asked me to help him. I solved his problem.

I met this student earlier this morning and commented his eyes were so tired. He looked extremely exhausted. He told me he was. He only slept for 6 hours. Later he asked me a tough question. He told me he asked many of his teachers this same question and they could not answer him at all.

It is a very simple question with a complicated answer. He asked me, "What is life?" I didn't ponder because I have been trying to answer this question. I asked instead what is death. Not how to live but what is death.

So I shared with him mum's determination to show me how to live. The other day in the car, dad reminded me that mum told him that she has to learn to die because it is not so easy to die. I remember mum telling me that too. But she told me one more thing that living is better than dying and if there is one more day to life, she will take it. I remember her sitting up on the sick bed at SGH cancer ward raising her hands towards heaven telling God that if He wants her to die, she will and if He wants her to live she will. My heart sank and deep inside I went numb. I believe since that day, I merely responded by the minute according to what mum wants.

I sort of know she would be leaving us. I didn't want to show her the photo I had developed so that I could display it at the funeral. But I finally showed her the photo I developed 3 months ago. She smiled at me even though she was very comatosed. And she thumbed up. I controlled all the pain and then a few days later she left us in her own way. Quiet.

Mum was never one that talked loudly in public unlike my dad. She was always careful not to offend unlike me. Always swallow all the misery she suffered, always ready to smile. That all became her when she believed in the Lord. Her faithfulness to go church every sunday without fail, rain or shine, moved me. And I believe I want to remember all the good. She told me she wanted to show me how to live. And she did. She is always the heroin in my life's story.

But then what is life? I found the answer looking at mum's life. Life is not defined by what you want to do, what you never experience but going to experience. Life is not about living it to the fullest without living for somebody. Life is not self centred and all about what you are, who you want to be and why you want to be. It is about others. It is about living for others who have gone, for others who you will meet and others you are meeting now.

Life has a purpose and it must centre on people, a connection if you cut will render you without true life. Of course as a Christian I will say life is about Jesus for without Him there is no life, the eternal life that is.

Mum's life revolve around her children, her husband and her grandchildren. Without us, she would never be able to define her life or show how much life she had.

I seek to define why I want to live and for who I want to live. Perhaps that is why I am frustrated these days. While I have to deal with where and the how to live, I am almost afraid to deal with who to live for. Perhaps when I find out who to live for and where my life centre should be, I will stop asking what is life.

A bit morbid this blog but hey, not all my days are sunny. Perhaps the flu has gotten to me. And I hope once again, God comes soon.

This world is not my home.

I'm just a passing through.

I really don't like this world. I am not comfortable living here. So Lord, come quickly!

Evidence of grace a sunday worship musical at IBC

I was at church today. Haven't been for a long time because I was so swarmed. I was as usual late. I stood for the whole worship service because it was packed to the brim. I didn't mind at all because it was a choir presentation about the evidence of grace. There were stories of loved ones who died and then the hope of meeting them again. And all that stirred up a lot of thoughts that laid buried for almost two years now about mum's passing.

I was particularly smitthen by the scene of a old man who sat on a wheelchair and he stood up in the next scene on top of a hill with outstretched arms towards heaven and sang hallelujah. Many will never understand what that means but I do. The next scene we saw the man wheeled to his room in a hospital, probably a hospice by his daughter. And she left him for a while. He sat there, looking at the photograph his wife and him took. Within seconds he had a heart attack, and laid on the floor. Then he passed on. The next scene we saw people rushing in because the old man did hit the panic button before he touched the floor. Then the most significant scene of all. We saw the man walking without pain, without sadness but with joy towards the light.

Don't get me wrong. I am not saying we should end our lives. But that nothing is better than to be in the arms of God. The next scene saw the old man and his wife standing on top of the hill looking towards heaven. I am imagining the same. My mother standing at the pearly gates for me. Next week is mother's day. It marks also another year of my mum's passing because within a month from Mother's day, she left us to be with the Lord. I miss everything about my mum but I also know she will be waiting when my time comes.

There were many touching stories in the musical. One of them is about a man diagnosed to die within months. His doctor already told him to take care of his affairs. He was not afraid to face imminent death. Instead he took care of business with peace in his heart. Because of his tremendous peace that God will help him and as he prepares to face the Father in Heaven, he gained strength to go through each day and he was healed instead. Completely healed and completely happy serving God.

I like today. I came straight home after church to think and sort through my thoughts and emotions. I felt that I should quickly write them down before I forget because some days I just don't have the energy and memory to do so.

I am also reminded once again of God's love for all of us. If not for His love, there is no hope for all of us. I trust Him and in due time, He will wrought whatever good works He deem us to do.

There is almost a strong urge to go back to Him and find complete eternal rest as this world gets worse and worse. It is now a world sickened not only with diseases but with decline in moral standards and ambiguity. We are no longer setting clear guidelines and we have become too keen to NOT rock the boat. So God, hasten, please hasten your coming.

May Day! May Day!

What did you do today? Those of us who labour everyday, has it been easy for you to REST. Hold Still! Can you do that? Or are you quickly busy with plans on what to do the day before? Well, May Day! A day for us workers. Blood was shed to make sure we have this day. So I hope we all will do before this day ends and the mad rush of the reality of life hits us again.

I find myself extremely busy since I got back from Beijing. I hardly have time to think about what I really want to do with the rest of my limited and short life. So in a way I am glad the holidays are round the corner. To be able to find time to travel, meet some people, do some strange things and think about what the year can be while there is still time to think about it.

I also took on an extra challenge to teach my nephew history and I saw how bored he was with the subject. So I whipped out my laptop and went surfing for some stuff I was unsure of . Then I got him to surf with me on some very basic stuff on history answering techniques. I also showed my sister what to do to help him.

Just today I was also teaching my neighbour's son geography. It was a piece of cake for me. And it was not difficult to get Kenneth interested in what I have to teach or get him to change his style of answering questions.

So why am I doing all these? Just to prove one point and preparing for my exit from schools soon. I want to be sure that I can still do what I don't have the knowledge to do as long as I still have the pedagogical skills and the skills to research.

I was in my dad's cab yesterday morning and I lamented how the young people today are not at all curious about what they are learning. This has been bothering me. It bothers me much that our young people don't ask anymore good questions that will cause them to discover more and will cause them to pursue their dreams. It bothers me tremendously that what they are asking are all so short term, so predictable and boring. It was supposed to be 后浪推前浪。They are to find the surf and ride it. For now, it is still the backwash that is sweeping and lapping at the shorelines.

So what has happened? I really don't understand if it is because we are boring teachers or we have very boring students to teach. I hope it is that our students are boring. But then perhaps they are too tired to be curious. Just simply too much on their plate. If they have no curiosity, they will not surge ahead and will not thirst for knowledge.

So here we call again May Day! May Day!