I was in school the next day after the burial. It was tough not because I miss my mum, I was super tired. I was glad my boys didn't push too much and were all too glad to slack for the day. When I went home, Dad came home only to cry and sob about his day. Then Dad insisted that we must go to the grave on Friday. He came home on Thursday and cried about how he missed mum. To dad, my mum's supposed return on Friday would mean she will not be on earth anymore to visit and return to visit him in his dreams and he cried bitterly. I sighed the longest sigh. Much as I wanted to cry too I had to put the bravest front for him.
He also insisted that we stayed all together in the house on Friday night. Tried hard to convince him that mum won't be back because heaven is just too good to come back to earth for. His theory was that even the Queen of England kept a room untouched for her late uncle who would visit the room occasionally. The spirit was caught on tape, according to some documentary he watched.
Friday night and all of us were in the house. Dad slept in my room and the rest were in mum's room. The children were chatting and listening to stories. Rebecca was packing mum's room. I was tired and laid in bed.
The next morning as I was cleaning my room out, I found mum's sweater and I breathed in the deepest breath and found mum's scent. I wept. But I quickly composed myself as there was much cleaning to do.
I went out to meet some friends for dinner and then on to a movie but dad was not too happy. He felt I should mourn more. So I told him that not crying in front of him does not mean I am not sad. Not crying all day long does not mean I am not missing my mum. I just believe that she would be very happy if I get on with what I love to do most and that is work and have some fun on the side. We did not talk very well that night and I left the house feeling very angry and sad that all he thinks about is his own sadness. I can understand he has lost his wife and partner. But I lost my mum and best friend too. So I just wish he could be a little less selfish and cut me some slack and let me go deal with my grief.
I came home very late on Saturday and then went to church that morning. I realized a few things about grief. Some of us just display it like the piercing light in the dark. Some will hide it like the darkest secret of their lives. Some will just deal with it by substituting it with other problems. Some never really deal with it because the tide just roll over their heads and before they knew it, the grief hits them again when all quiet down.
When I came home after worship, my sister was clearing mum's cupboard. I was not too please and so I picked a few I remember mum always wear and went to my room to cry. But like always, I will compose myself and then think about what is the best thing to do.
